Purpose of this article

      The overall purposes of this and future articles under development are to enhance women’s psychological strengths to cope with the stresses and pressures in their daily lives. This article in particular is to create awareness especially in women, to understand depression from a multifaceted perspective, with “Self-Attribution, Cognitive Distortions and Depression” being the first perspective examined in this current study. The expectant outcome is the hope that women’s coping knowledge and abilities will be enhanced, through a more scientific (researched based) and empirical understanding and awareness.

Women and Depression

      The author would like to begin the discussion of this present topic: “Psychology of Women: Self-Attribution, Cognitive Distortions and Depression”, with two questions. 1) How can depression be described in a brief manner? 2) Is depression a universal and common experience?

      To answer the first question, the author refers to Sharf (2000) who considered the mild “signs of depression” as including: “sadness, feelings of worthlessness, guilt, social withdrawal, and loss of sleep, appetite, sexual desire, or interest in activities”. He considered the severe” signs of depression” as displaying “slow speech, difficulty in sitting still, inattention to personal appearance, and pervasive feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, as well as suicidal thoughts and feelings”.

      The answer to the second question, the author refers to Evans & Tait (1991) who when answering their own question, as to whether depression was a universal experience, quoted Seligman (1975), who described depression as the ‘common cold of abnormal behavior’. Evans & Tait (1991) believed that, Seligman’s description was to draw attention to the fact that we all experience it occasionally. So, while depression can be experienced either mildly or severely, depression is definitely both universal and common. And it is an especially a common experience among women.

Gender differences in depression

      Why is mental illness (depression) more common among women? Weiten & Lloyd (2006) in asserting that women were “twice as likely as men to suffer from depression and anxiety disorders…”, also quoted Rosenfield (1999) to explain the “gender difference in mental illness” (depression). According to Rosenfield (1999), women seem to direct their “negative, hostile, anxious feelings and conflicts” inwards against their self, while, men direct them outwards – either against another person or against the society. In short, under the influence of mental illness like depression, women seem to want hurt themselves, while men seem to want to hurt others. Why is this so? The author would answer this question in a future article entitled: “Psychology of Women: Self-Identity”, as the scope of this article is limited to the examination of “Self-Attribution and Depression”.

Self-Attribution, Cognitive Distortions, and Depression

      The author would emphasis again, that self-attribution is one of the perspectives through which one can understand depression, which is multifaceted in nature. Therefore, women should not attribute everything in their lives to self-attribution, neither is depression all the time due to negative self- attribution. But all negative self-attributions, involves some sort of cognitive distortions. The author would like to next describe the inter-link between cognitive distortions, self-attribution and depression. To begin with, who initially developed the self-attribution theory? And what is the self-attribution theory?

Self Attribution Theory

      Fritz Heider (1958), Edward Jones (1965), Keith Davis (1965) and Harold Kelley (1967), who were all social psychologists, were responsible for the initial development of self-attribution theory.  What is self-attribution? Based on the studies of Heider (1958); Jones (1965) Davis (1965) and Kelly (1967), self-attribution can be understood as the cognitive perception of persons in attributing the causes of behavior (theirs or others)   or events to three dimensions of: 1) internal or external; 2) stable or unstable and 3) controllable or uncontrollable.

      Internal refers to the location of a cause of behavior or event to oneself, whether it is disposition, trait or personality of a person. External refers to the location of a cause of behavior or event to external (outside the disposition, trait or personality of a person) behaviors, events, luck, or chance. Stable refers to a permanent or an unalterable state of being in a person or condition in a situation. Unstable refers to impermanent or an alterable state of being in a person or condition in a situation. Controllable refers to having power over someone or something, to change or alter the state of being in a person or a condition in a situation. Uncontrollable refers to having no power over someone or something, to change or alter the state of being in a person or a condition in a situation. Based on these three dimensions, there are multiple combinations of cognitive perceptions of self-attribution. The following examples are meant to be fictitious demonstrative scenarios in relation to two combinations of cognitive perceptions of self-attribution.

1. Self- attribution: internal, stable, uncontrollable

 Event: Mr. A has an affair with Ms. B.

Mrs. A‘s Response according to first combination of cognitive perceptions of self-attribution.: Mrs. A would blame herself (internal) for her husband’s infidelity. She views (subjective) her physical and sexual deficits in comparison to Ms. B as an unalterable handicap (stable). Thus, based on her physical and sexual deficit causes that could not satisfy Mr. A, Mrs. A would view her husband’s actions as naturally predictable (uncontrollable). What would be the impact on Mrs. A? The answer is obvious, depression (Riso et. al, 2003). How can Mrs. A prevent her depression from being long termed or chronic?  The answer lies in the second scenario.

2. Self- attribution: external, unstable, controllable

Event: Mr. A has an affair with Ms. B.

Mrs. A‘s Response according to second combination of cognitive perceptions of self-attribution:  Mrs. A would blame Ms. B. and her husband (external) for their infidelity. Why accept the blame for a perpetrator of a wrong doing? Why not locate the blame where it is due? She would view (objectively) her physical and sexual deficits to satisfy Mr. A, in comparison to Ms. B as alterable (unstable), untrue or as unjustified. Physical and sexual deficits are very subjective. What is considered beautiful and sexy, in one culture and to one individual, may not be the same with another. There is always an opportunity to enhance one’s beauty and sexuality. Anyway a woman must be reminder that in infidelity, spouses for the purpose of rationalizations may look for deficits even when there is none. Why volunteer to give reasons for the rationalizations of an unfaithful spouse? Thus, she would view her husband’s actions as inexcusable (controllable). Mr. A has control over his decisions and actions in his affair with Ms. B, for if there is none, Ms. B can be possibly accused for rape.  Was Mr. A raped by Ms. B? What would be the impact on Mrs. A? The answer is obvious, there might be an initial depression, but it will not be long term or chronic, especially, if Mrs. A opens herself to marital counseling. Next, the author would like to discuss about the cognitive distortions found in the foregoing first combination of cognitive perceptions of self-attribution.

If I asked you who your best friend is, many of you would point to your spouse or partner. Close friends share a strong emotional bond, enjoy spending time with each other and often have a lot in common. However, there are important elements of a romantic relationship that set it apart from a just-friends relationship–passion, sensuality, and physical attraction.

Unfortunately, in many long-term relationships, passion wanes as the years pass and the couple begins behaving more like close friends than romantic partners.

Sexual desire fluctuates throughout the life of a relationship

Every individual is different, which means that every couple is different. Take this one step further and it’s clear that every couple has different levels of sexual desire. Despite the urge to compare ourselves to others as we search for the ideal “times per week,” the fact is there is no magic number because a couple’s sexuality is intensely personal and completely unique to the couple.

You’re in very good company if the quantity and quality of sex fluctuates in your marriage or relationship. Many couples report steady declines as the years march on, others experience periods of little physical intimacy intermixed with sporadic increases in sex. Couples have different sexual rhythms.

Despite these natural fluctuations, there are mindsets that can creep into your relationship and negatively impact your attempts to keep passion alive. Be aware of them and you put yourself on the road toward a more fulfilling sex life with your partner.

The four mindsets that can destroy passion:

1. You believe that sex is separate from other parts of your relationship.

A relationship truism couples often forget: How you treat your partner outside the bedroom affects what happens inside the bedroom. If your partner perceives you as indifferent or judgmental, it shouldn’t be a surprise when you hear “I’m really not in the mood tonight.”

The seeds of passion are set outside the bedroom–nurture the emotional connection of your relationship and you’ll nurture passion.

2. You’re waiting for spontaneous sex to occur.

Please ignore the Hollywood movies that show couples knocking over every pot and pan in the kitchen (even pot and pans filled with ready-to-eat gourmet food) as they’re overcome with desire and cannot wait to get to the bedroom to have sex. Spontaneous sexual combustion might have occurred when you and your partner were first dating, but for couples who survive past the two-year mark, life’s spontaneous happenings are more likely to involve heartburn and indigestion than sex.

You need to plan for romantic moments, thereby creating them. Even if, over breakfast, you can’t imagine yourself being in the mood later in the evening, if you set aside a time and create a romantic space, you might later surprise yourself when you become aroused.

Don’t be passive about passion–successful couples work on creating passion.

3. You believe sex is mainly physical.

Sex is psychological, emotional and physical. For many, the road to great sex starts in their mind. You’ve probably heard the adage: “The most powerful sex organ is between the ears.” Your imagination and fantasy life can be a great aphrodisiac. For this to occur, you and your partner need to openly communicate about your sexual desires and interests.

Feedback and discussions about what works and doesn’t work in the bedroom will pave the way to a more fulfilling sex life.

4. You still believe in “the quickie.”

Nothing kills passion like a hurried atmosphere. You’re not a teenager any longer, translated: Your body and libido have slowed down a bit since raging sex hormones were the new kids on the block. Do you warm up before exercising? Do you let your car idle before heading off to work in the morning? You and your partner may have different warm-up times before feeling ready for sex–respect these differences and take it slow.

Give passion the time it deserves.

While you might not be able to recapture the sexual glory days of a new relationship, you (and your partner) can take the steps necessary to resuscitate romance and keep passion alive. Awareness of the above four mindsets is an important first step in reversing the toll the years often take on passionate relationships.

To discover other tips about how to build a more loving, passionate relationship, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s Relationship Toolbox Newsletter. As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports, “The Four Mindsets that Can Topple Your Relationship” and “Relationship Self-defense: Control How You Argue Before Your Arguments Control You.”

Q: I love my husband, but somewhere along the line we’ve become more like friends than lovers. We had an amazing sex life early in our relationship but now we’re lucky if we have sex once a month, and when we do it’s pretty unremarkable. I really enjoy sex and I’d like to make it a regular part of our life again. Any suggestions?

A: First of all, you need to take solace in the fact that you’re not alone with this problem. Most couples in long-term relationships note a marked reduction in the quantity and quality of sex as the years progress. When you’re wrapped up in the heady euphoria of a new relationship, it’s hard to imagine that the grinding reality of daily life can ever dampen sexual desire, but, voila! Here you are, years later, juggling kids and a mortgage and a new career, and sex just isn’t a priority. And the first step in rejuvenating a lackluster sex life is the awareness of this natural ebb and flow.

Providing there aren’t medical reasons for your dwindling sex life (if you’re not sure, have a doctor check you out), there are some simple ideas you can incorporate into your life now that can help you and your partner resuscitate your sexual desire:

1. Prioritize sex.

Both partners need to make a commitment to nurture the physical aspect of the relationship. It’s a big step to acknowledge that you’ve been neglecting passion. But once you do, you can begin having the discussions that will get you thinking about sex and eventually bumping it up on your list of priorities. There is no shame in saying, “Hey, we got caught up in life and left something behind that we really miss. Let’s agree to openly and honestly work on this together.”

2. Plan for sex.

Once you’ve both agreed to make sex a priority, it’s time for some planning. You may be thinking: “Sex should be a spontaneous, natural experience. Planning for it will ruin the magic.” Not at all! Quite the contrary: many of the most enjoyable, rewarding things we experience in life are things we must plan for. And when couples put effort into creating the time and space they need for physical intimacy, they temporarily take themselves away from the stresses of their hectic lives. This planned-for time and space actually allows spontaneity to flourish.

3. Plan for romance.

A word for some of you men out there (you know who you are): Planning for sex doesn’t mean buying a new multivitamin and sprinting into the bedroom for a quickie. The type of sex that fosters a couple’s connection occurs within the context of a loving, intimate relationship. When you nurture romance and make your partner feel special, you set the stage for an evening of passion and great sex. Romance doesn’t have to be costly or time consuming (of course, it can if you want it to be). A sensual body massage with your partner’s favorite lotion can go a long way in setting just the right mood for passionate love making. Pay attention to romance first, and sex will follow.

4. Become playful and provocative.

Couples in long-term relationships need to revisit the art of flirtation. Flirting and teasing are great ways to fan the flames of desire. Have you ever noticed how people in a new relationship excel at teasing? Whether seducing each other at the supermarket or while sitting at a red light, new lovers discover ways to turn each other on in the most ordinary of circumstances. Unbeknownst to them, these couples are actively creating opportunities to flirt and entice each other. Are you ready to enter the game of flirting with your partner?

5. Nurture your sexual attitude.

The art and skill of flirting starts with a particular attitude. The most important part of this attitude involves giving yourself permission to be playful and provocative with your partner. Without permission, you will remain inhibited and lose the freedom necessary to have a fulfilling sex life. Learn to give yourself permission to have fun with your partner.

6. Talk about sex.

Your assumptions about what your partner enjoys sexually might be standing in the way of a great sex life. You’re both evolving–your partner’s tastes in music, food, and clothes have probably changed over the years, so why do you assume that his/her sexual desires are the same as when you first met? Ask your partner what turns him/her on today. Don’t assume you know (even if you believe you know your partner really well). Maybe there is something s/he would like you to try sexually that s/he would find exciting. Information about your partner’s sexual desires and fantasies can go a long way in creating an exciting sex life.

7. Become less predictable.

Some couples fall into a rut because their sexual routines have become too predictable. While familiarity is comforting and helps build trust, it can also become a little boring when it comes to sex. Uncertainty and novelty feed excitement and can give your sex life an electrical charge. Experiment together (there are many good books available to help couples work on improving their sex life) and create a shared sense of adventure in the bedroom (or the living room, or the study…)

Is your relationship worth protecting? Are you ready to make your marriage everything it can be?

To discover more relationship tips, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

MYTH: People are sexually assaulted because they “ask for it” in some way.
FACT: Attempts to shift the burden of blame from the offender to the victim/survivor by implying that “he/she asked for it” are common. There is nothing a person does or does not do to “deserve” a sexual assault – the way a person dresses, the amount of alcohol consumption, or sexual history of a person are often used as excuses to justify the rapist’s behavior. By blaming the victim/survivor, the attention is directed away from the offender, diminishing the offender’s responsibility for the attack. Blaming a person for the rape because of how the person acts or what the person wears is like blaming a bank for being robbed because it “tempted” the thief with all that money.

MYTH: A person can nearly always prevent an assault by resisting the attacker.
FACT: Every sexual assault is unique and the issue of resistance and submission should be evaluated individually. Resistance could deter an attack or it could conceivably increase one’s chances of injury and perhaps result in death. The victim/survivor needs to do whatever they feel comfortable doing to extricate themself from the situation. The person should rely on their instincts and whatever the person does is correct for them. Even if the person must submit, this does not imply consent, and in fact, may keep them alive.

MYTH: Many people falsely report rape as a means of revenge or to get attention.
FACT: Reported sexual assaults are true, with very few exceptions. The rate of “false reports” of rape (fabricated stories) is 2% to 3%, no different than that for other crimes. (Schafran, L.H. (1993). “Writing and reading about rape: A primer.” St. John’s Law Review, 66, 979-1045.) The general misconception of a high rate of false reports of sexual assaults may be confused with observations of low conviction rates of offenders.

MYTH: Rapists are easily identifiable by their physical appearance, actions or words.
FACT: There is no standard mental or physical profile that defines a rapist. A rapist can be someone of any age, race, economic background, belief system or culture. Although the stereotype of the deranged stranger rapist abounds in our society, stranger rapes only make up around 20% of all sexual assaults and even then the stranger may not be a mentally disturbed person. The vast majority of rapists are people the victim/survivor knows, people she/he sees in day-to-day life.

MYTH: Women owe men sex under some circumstances.
FACT: Sex is not a commodity to be bought and sold, nor is there any ownership of another’s sexuality. Instead, we should have the freedom to make sexual choices regardless of the circumstances. Paying for dinner and a movie does not give someone the right to demand sex for repayment, nor should someone feel obligated to have sex because of these circumstances.

MYTH: Only the young or beautiful may be sexually assaulted.
FACT: Victim/survivors range in age from a few months to 90 years old and come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Rapists tend to choose victims for their perceived vulnerability and availability, without regard to their physical appearance. Attributing a sexual assault to a victim/survivor’s attractiveness perpetuates the myth that rape is primarily motivated by sexual desire. This myth inappropriately places blame and responsibility onto the victim/survivor because of her/his physical attributes.

MYTH: When a woman says “no,” she might really mean, “yes.”
FACT: This myth is common in dating situations. When a person says “no,” that person’s partner must assume she means nothing other than “no.” It is also vital to point out that if a person does not explicitly consent to an act of sex, in the form of a “yes” or similar phrasing, that person has not consented. Silence on a person’s behalf must be taken as a “no” rather than consent. Rape is not just a matter of miscommunication, but communication is vital in sexual situations.