If I asked you who your best friend is, many of you would point to your spouse or partner. Close friends share a strong emotional bond, enjoy spending time with each other and often have a lot in common. However, there are important elements of a romantic relationship that set it apart from a just-friends relationship–passion, sensuality, and physical attraction.

Unfortunately, in many long-term relationships, passion wanes as the years pass and the couple begins behaving more like close friends than romantic partners.

Sexual desire fluctuates throughout the life of a relationship

Every individual is different, which means that every couple is different. Take this one step further and it’s clear that every couple has different levels of sexual desire. Despite the urge to compare ourselves to others as we search for the ideal “times per week,” the fact is there is no magic number because a couple’s sexuality is intensely personal and completely unique to the couple.

You’re in very good company if the quantity and quality of sex fluctuates in your marriage or relationship. Many couples report steady declines as the years march on, others experience periods of little physical intimacy intermixed with sporadic increases in sex. Couples have different sexual rhythms.

Despite these natural fluctuations, there are mindsets that can creep into your relationship and negatively impact your attempts to keep passion alive. Be aware of them and you put yourself on the road toward a more fulfilling sex life with your partner.

The four mindsets that can destroy passion:

1. You believe that sex is separate from other parts of your relationship.

A relationship truism couples often forget: How you treat your partner outside the bedroom affects what happens inside the bedroom. If your partner perceives you as indifferent or judgmental, it shouldn’t be a surprise when you hear “I’m really not in the mood tonight.”

The seeds of passion are set outside the bedroom–nurture the emotional connection of your relationship and you’ll nurture passion.

2. You’re waiting for spontaneous sex to occur.

Please ignore the Hollywood movies that show couples knocking over every pot and pan in the kitchen (even pot and pans filled with ready-to-eat gourmet food) as they’re overcome with desire and cannot wait to get to the bedroom to have sex. Spontaneous sexual combustion might have occurred when you and your partner were first dating, but for couples who survive past the two-year mark, life’s spontaneous happenings are more likely to involve heartburn and indigestion than sex.

You need to plan for romantic moments, thereby creating them. Even if, over breakfast, you can’t imagine yourself being in the mood later in the evening, if you set aside a time and create a romantic space, you might later surprise yourself when you become aroused.

Don’t be passive about passion–successful couples work on creating passion.

3. You believe sex is mainly physical.

Sex is psychological, emotional and physical. For many, the road to great sex starts in their mind. You’ve probably heard the adage: “The most powerful sex organ is between the ears.” Your imagination and fantasy life can be a great aphrodisiac. For this to occur, you and your partner need to openly communicate about your sexual desires and interests.

Feedback and discussions about what works and doesn’t work in the bedroom will pave the way to a more fulfilling sex life.

4. You still believe in “the quickie.”

Nothing kills passion like a hurried atmosphere. You’re not a teenager any longer, translated: Your body and libido have slowed down a bit since raging sex hormones were the new kids on the block. Do you warm up before exercising? Do you let your car idle before heading off to work in the morning? You and your partner may have different warm-up times before feeling ready for sex–respect these differences and take it slow.

Give passion the time it deserves.

While you might not be able to recapture the sexual glory days of a new relationship, you (and your partner) can take the steps necessary to resuscitate romance and keep passion alive. Awareness of the above four mindsets is an important first step in reversing the toll the years often take on passionate relationships.

To discover other tips about how to build a more loving, passionate relationship, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s Relationship Toolbox Newsletter. As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports, “The Four Mindsets that Can Topple Your Relationship” and “Relationship Self-defense: Control How You Argue Before Your Arguments Control You.”

No matter how we might resist them at times, we can’t deny the presence of rules in society. From traffic lights to ticket sales, rules help us avoid chaos and establish routines that allow us to cope as a society. But beyond the macrocosm, rules are an important presence in the microcosm of your relationship–even when they’re unspoken or seemingly invisible.

Your Relationship Rules

Your relationship rules influence how you and your partner relate to one another: how emotions are expressed, the way in which needs are communicated, how family and friends are dealt with and how intimacy is expressed.

Ideally, you and your partner will openly communicate and negotiate the different rules that are important to each of you. But this isn’t always the case: Couples are often guided by powerful rules that remain unspoken. Because you learned many of these rules as a child, you may not even be aware of the impact of your relationship rules.

There may be times when your relationship proceeds smoothly under the influence of the unspoken rules that guide you and your partner–this is usually the case when your rules do not conflict with your partner’s rules. But when these rules remain unspoken, your relationship or marriage becomes a game of chance. Becoming mindful of these hidden, powerful rules will increase the control you and your partner have in strengthening your relationship.

Unspoken Intimacy Rules:

Emotional intimacy (as well as physical intimacy) is one of the most important areas of your relationship that is influenced by unspoken rules.

There are as many ways to create an intimate, emotional connection as there are people. Intimacy is a very personal experience–what can feel like a meaningful connection to you might feel very different to your partner. Ideally, you and your partner are compatible in your need for and expression of intimacy. When major incompatibilities exist, it will be essential for you and your partner to accept the different paths you each travel to achieve intimacy.

Your unspoken intimacy rules influence:

1. Whether emotional closeness will be central or peripheral in your relationship.

2. The methods you use to achieve emotional and physical intimacy.

3. The level of emotional vulnerability that will be allowed in your relationship.

4. How much together-time you and your partner share.

5. How much alone-time you’ll each need.

A brief example of intimacy rules at work:

Aaron grew up in a family where it was obvious what everyone was feeling. His parents and sister openly expressed themselves, whether this involved celebrating the good or talking about the painful. If you had a feeling in Aaron’s family, it was expected that you would communicate whatever you were feeling.

Aaron’s childhood relationships created an important rule that governs Aaron’s behavior in his marriage:

Sharing feelings = emotional intimacy

His wife Gabriella learned a different set of rules in her family. As a child she often had to care for her ill father. She described him as depressed and, at times, explosive. For Gabriella, it felt dangerous to share her feelings–Gabriella and her mother often bottled up their emotions. But Gabriella did learn to feel connected in her family. A deep emotional connection grew between her and her father as Gabriella took on the role of caregiver. She felt loved and appreciated whenever she cared for her ailing father, who was able to show gratitude toward his daughter for the first time in their relationship.

Gabriella’s childhood relationships created an important rule that governs Gabriella’s behavior in her marriage:

Caring for others = emotional intimacy

As you can imagine, the different unspoken intimacy rules that influence Aaron and Gabriella led to some challenging times in their marriage. They both yearned for emotional connection but were incompatible in how to achieve this desired level of intimacy. Becoming aware of their own and each other’s unspoken rules was an important step in creating a more harmonious, intimate relationship.

So the challenge for you is to become mindful of the rules you’ve learned along the way to adulthood and are now applying to your intimate relationship. Talking with your partner about the different ways you each achieve intimacy will help unearth the unspoken rules that guide both of you. This level of understanding can bring you closer to each other today and help you avoid major pitfalls tomorrow.

To discover other ways to create a deeper, more intimate relationship visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue…before your arguments control you.”

Intimacy is a lot like trying to get warm on a cold winter night. You wrap yourself up in your favorite blankets and settle in for sleep, but at some point overnight you may feel too warm and constrained by the blankets. So you disentangle yourself and push the blankets away. But after a few hours you feel chilled again. So you grope for the discarded blankets and wrap them around you again, basking in the warmth and security they bring…that is, until you feel too warm once more…

Fear of intimacy

The term “fear of intimacy” is often used to describe someone who has difficulty creating and maintaining a close connection to his/her partner. The phrase highlights a person’s struggle to become physically and/or emotionally close and we often describe this struggle as a fear. However, this general term can’t fully explain what lies behind one’s struggle with intimacy.

Let’s take a closer look at three ways a fear of intimacy can manifest in your marriage or relationship.

1. Intolerance for closeness–physical and emotional.

For some, a more accurate description would be an intolerance of intimacy. You may have a desire for intimacy yet at the same time have a strong, negative physical reaction to deeper levels of connection. It’s as if your body’s intimacy-thermostat is set to avoidance or withdrawal mode whenever a certain level of intimacy occurs. People who have this reaction may feel confused by it and not fully aware that it is happening.

Overcoming a fear of intimacy that stems from adverse physical reactions:

The roots of this reaction often (but not always) stem from the disruptions of intimacy (i.e., neglectful or intrusive parenting) in childhood. When this is the case in your history, the goal for you will be to learn how your body reacts to emotional and physical intimacy. (Be sure to suspend self-criticism while monitoring your reactions.) Once you become aware of your bodily cues, you can use relaxation exercises as a way to recondition your body so that you can accept the deeper levels of connection offered by your partner.

2. Gender role constrictions

Society and culture create powerful rules for how men and women relate to each other. Female/male stereotypes have a potent influence on what you feel are acceptable ways to experience and express intimacy. Often these gender roles function behind the scenes in your relationship, at times guiding you and your partner. However, they can frequently serve as a strait-jacket, limiting the level of intimacy allowed in your relationship–the influence of gender role constrictions frequently attribute to one’s fear of intimacy.

Societal and cultural rules may work well for you and your partner, but at times they can adversely restrict the ways in which you and your partner relate to one another. For instance, some cultures send the message that men shouldn’t experience feelings that make them feel vulnerable, while women receive the message that the assertion of their needs is unfeminine.

Overcoming a fear of intimacy based on gender stereotypes:

Questioning the assumptions that lie behind gender-role stereotypes is the first step toward loosening the restrictions that accompany these assumptions. Here are a few questions to get you started:

Do you feel that societal and cultural gender role stereotypes are holding you (or your partner) back in your relationship? If so, take some time to journal the ways in which female/male stereotypes are blocking your marriage or relationship from reaching its full potential.

Can you discuss this with your partner and develop a mutual plan to overcome any gender restrictions that may exist in your marriage or relationship?

3. Family role models

Most educational systems do not teach you how to create and maintain a long-term, intimate relationship. Often learning occurs by trial and error–and for better or worse, most of us learn by observing the relationships that surrounded us throughout our formative years. You learned by observing how your caregivers related to one another (and to others), as well as how the important adults in your life related to you.

The long arm of your childhood family role models can create powerful expectations and beliefs that negatively influence your view of relationships and intimacy. Problems arise when your partner’s need for intimacy differs from the role models you’ve internalized.

Overcoming a fear of intimacy caused by relationship role-models:

Becoming mindful of your (and your partner’s) beliefs that inhibit emotional and physical intimacy can help you clarify any conflicting attitudes that the two of you might hold about intimacy. Often couples misinterpret their differing expectations as a fear of intimacy.

What expectations do you hold about emotional and physical intimacy?

How do you believe intimacy is best created in your relationship? Is this view consistent with your partner’s?

Do you hold any beliefs from your family-of-origin that negatively impact your ability to create a close bond with your partner?

Use these questions (and others you might think of) to start a dialogue with your partner about how to take the steps necessary to begin increasing the intimacy in your relationship.

Like that blanket that can keep you warm one moment and feel constraining the next, over the course of your relationship you will need to adjust the level of intimacy depending on the type and degree of closeness that feels most comfortable to you. If you (or your partner) frequently cast the blankets of intimacy aside, it may be a sign that an underlying fear of intimacy is at work. If so, take the steps to examine what lies behind your fear of intimacy and you will be on your way to creating a deeper, more fulfilling connection with your spouse or partner.

To discover other ways to create a deeper, more intimate relationship visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue…before your arguments control you.”

When couples come to me for help, the first thing I do is observe how they communicate with each other. Communication is often the gauge of the health of a relationship. There are certain effective communication principles that can help you create a more harmonious marriage or relationship; and certain styles of communication have been linked to relationship and marital problems.

When couples seek marriage help and relationship advice, they are often locked in ineffective communication patterns that have spiraled out of control. When this occurs:

~Conflict increases;

~Resentments and emotional wounding intensify;

~Emotional intimacy suffers;

~Physical intimacy suffers;

~And you may feel more “stressed” in general—your relationship problems can impact other areas of your life.

As you can see, significant relationship problems add up when communication flounders.

Marriage help: Effective versus ineffective communication

One area where couples often get themselves into trouble is attempting to give each other feedback when one person is doing something that the other finds troubling. John Gottman, Ph.D. (a prominent marriage researcher) makes an important distinction that you should be aware of:

The difference between complaining versus criticizing.

Whenever you complain, you are giving your spouse/partner important feedback about something you’d like to change. So periodic complaining can be good for your relationship!

For instance, “You left the milk out last night and I had to throw out the entire gallon” is a complaint that lets your partner know that s/he needs to be more mindful during his/her late night snacking.

A criticism is very different. Rather than focusing on the behavior you’d like to see changed (leaving milk out all night), criticisms are directed at your partner.

Staying with our milk example, a criticism might look something like, “You left the milk out all night. I can’t believe how lazy you are!”

As you read the two examples above, I’d like you to think about which feedback would make you more likely to “hear” your partner’s message and which would make you more defensive? Criticisms have the power to stop communication in its tracks.

The couples that seek my relationship help are frequently involved in a criticism-defense-counter criticism pattern. The person hurling criticisms makes his/her partner feel attacked (and defensive) and when this occurs, the likelihood of a counter-attack increases (“Oh, yeah, you’re even lazier than me!”).

This is a big reason why communication falters.

So when you give your spouse/partner feedback, try your best to focus on the behavior you’d like to see changed, rather than verbally attacking your partner for his/her unwanted actions. And when giving feedback, highlight what you’d like to see happen, rather than what isn’t working.

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