Let me ask you a question. When you think about karate or any other martial art, and what you’d learn by taking up the practice…

…what’s one of the first things you think of?

For most people, the predominant answer is… Self-defense.

And, while I’ve written at length about the difference between fighting and self-defense as both strategic goals, and actual mindsets under the stress of a combat situation, we don’t even have to go that far when looking at this strange but almost universally-held belief among the public – especially here in the West.

When I first explored the idea of taking martial arts, I was in Junior High School – what you young-pups now call Middle School. Since I was the victim of bullying – being beaten up after school several times each month, my reason for taking up the study and practice of martial arts was limited to a need for self-defense.

But, having grown up in the big city, seeing actual attacks take place, and having experienced them first-hand myself, I was quickly disheartened by what I was being taught. I didn’t know where the teacher was going with what he was passing on, so I stayed for a while – both in his class and in many others as I desperately searched for a class and a teacher that taught something that reflected what I saw in the world around me everyday.

Finally, it hit me. After years of study and moving from teacher to teacher and “style” to style, it hit me.

After actually running into teachers who DID teach from a perspective that matched my experience, I finally figured out what the problem was all those years. I finally figured out why I spent all of that time, effort, and, yes, money, jumping from place to place.

What I discovered was something that I call…

The Karate-Myth

Rather, this myth was more of a collection of myths, misunderstandings, and flat-out lies being promoted or perpetuated by the unknowing…

…both from within and outside the ranks of the martial arts themselves.

Here are the two primary reflections of this karate myth as I speak about it to those seeking real-world self-defense strategies for dealing with Today’s violent attackers. Each part of the myth makes the victims of it both less effective, and compliant in their own deception.

The Two Basic Elements of The Karate-Myth

1. Anyone with a Black Belt Can Defend Themselves – Nothing could be further from the truth. It takes more than just knowing some moves to be able to defend oneself against a determined attacker bent on sending you to the hospital or the morgue. And…
Anyone with a Black Belt, or Who’s Teaching a Self-Defense Class is an Expert and Can Teach Me How to Defend Myself – Again, sorry but… Wrong! Having a black belt in a martial art is akin to being in a certain grade in school. White belt is like kindergarten, etc. Experience, sometimes more than knowledge, goes a long way in being able to teach any skill to another. And the unfortunate truth is that…very few martial arts instructors have any self-defense experience at all.

This doesn’t mean that any given teacher hasn’t won trophies in competitions, nor does it mean that he or she can’t spar with you without losing. But…

There is a huge difference between fighting in a ring – a contest – where you’ll be matched with someone else having about the same build, rank, and experience as you do – and surviving a life-threatening attack from someone who only has one rule in mind – win. I would never say that a high-school wrestler couldn’t defend himself, but wrestling wasn’t designed for self-defense.

I don’t know how long the karate-myth has been around. But I do know that it has effected, scarred, and even been responsible for the injury and death of countless individuals who were looking to be able to defend themselves in the real world. It has been responsible for…

1. People, especially adults, dropping out of martial arts classes shortly after joining because what they saw didn’t seem realistic or usable on the streets.
2. Individuals being hurt or killed trying to defend themselves with techniques that just don’t work against real attackers, throwing whatever they want, in a real assault.
3. Students and martial arts fanatics taking on the title of instructor without the necessary skills, knowledge, and experience.
4. Instructors waking up to the reality that they aren’t teaching self-defense, but a stylized system of movement, exercise, or sport. And…
5. Students being duped for hundreds, even thousands of dollars for the rank of black belt, with nothing more than the “feeling of confidence” that they could defend themselves. When in reality, what they may have purchased was a belt and a false-sense of confidence that is no-more supported than a house built from a deck of cards.

Don’t get caught up in the karate-myth. If you’re looking for realistic self-defense training that will work on today’s streets, you need to know two things. You need to know…

What you need to learn. But before you can do that, you need to know…
What a real attack is like.

And, to get both of these things, safely and reliably, you need to find a teacher who has both. You need a teacher who teaches the right skills BECAUSE…

…he or she has been there.

They may not teach you all the flashy, cool, and exciting moves you see in the movies, but…

…they’ll definitely make sure that you don’t fall victim to the karate-myth!

If I asked you who your best friend is, many of you would point to your spouse or partner. Close friends share a strong emotional bond, enjoy spending time with each other and often have a lot in common. However, there are important elements of a romantic relationship that set it apart from a just-friends relationship–passion, sensuality, and physical attraction.

Unfortunately, in many long-term relationships, passion wanes as the years pass and the couple begins behaving more like close friends than romantic partners.

Sexual desire fluctuates throughout the life of a relationship

Every individual is different, which means that every couple is different. Take this one step further and it’s clear that every couple has different levels of sexual desire. Despite the urge to compare ourselves to others as we search for the ideal “times per week,” the fact is there is no magic number because a couple’s sexuality is intensely personal and completely unique to the couple.

You’re in very good company if the quantity and quality of sex fluctuates in your marriage or relationship. Many couples report steady declines as the years march on, others experience periods of little physical intimacy intermixed with sporadic increases in sex. Couples have different sexual rhythms.

Despite these natural fluctuations, there are mindsets that can creep into your relationship and negatively impact your attempts to keep passion alive. Be aware of them and you put yourself on the road toward a more fulfilling sex life with your partner.

The four mindsets that can destroy passion:

1. You believe that sex is separate from other parts of your relationship.

A relationship truism couples often forget: How you treat your partner outside the bedroom affects what happens inside the bedroom. If your partner perceives you as indifferent or judgmental, it shouldn’t be a surprise when you hear “I’m really not in the mood tonight.”

The seeds of passion are set outside the bedroom–nurture the emotional connection of your relationship and you’ll nurture passion.

2. You’re waiting for spontaneous sex to occur.

Please ignore the Hollywood movies that show couples knocking over every pot and pan in the kitchen (even pot and pans filled with ready-to-eat gourmet food) as they’re overcome with desire and cannot wait to get to the bedroom to have sex. Spontaneous sexual combustion might have occurred when you and your partner were first dating, but for couples who survive past the two-year mark, life’s spontaneous happenings are more likely to involve heartburn and indigestion than sex.

You need to plan for romantic moments, thereby creating them. Even if, over breakfast, you can’t imagine yourself being in the mood later in the evening, if you set aside a time and create a romantic space, you might later surprise yourself when you become aroused.

Don’t be passive about passion–successful couples work on creating passion.

3. You believe sex is mainly physical.

Sex is psychological, emotional and physical. For many, the road to great sex starts in their mind. You’ve probably heard the adage: “The most powerful sex organ is between the ears.” Your imagination and fantasy life can be a great aphrodisiac. For this to occur, you and your partner need to openly communicate about your sexual desires and interests.

Feedback and discussions about what works and doesn’t work in the bedroom will pave the way to a more fulfilling sex life.

4. You still believe in “the quickie.”

Nothing kills passion like a hurried atmosphere. You’re not a teenager any longer, translated: Your body and libido have slowed down a bit since raging sex hormones were the new kids on the block. Do you warm up before exercising? Do you let your car idle before heading off to work in the morning? You and your partner may have different warm-up times before feeling ready for sex–respect these differences and take it slow.

Give passion the time it deserves.

While you might not be able to recapture the sexual glory days of a new relationship, you (and your partner) can take the steps necessary to resuscitate romance and keep passion alive. Awareness of the above four mindsets is an important first step in reversing the toll the years often take on passionate relationships.

To discover other tips about how to build a more loving, passionate relationship, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s Relationship Toolbox Newsletter. As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports, “The Four Mindsets that Can Topple Your Relationship” and “Relationship Self-defense: Control How You Argue Before Your Arguments Control You.”

Anyone in a marriage or a long-term relationship understands the challenges of keeping romance and passion alive. Candlelit dinners, gazing into each other’s eyes, and the priority of talking and making love begin to buckle under the pressure of busy schedules, the demands of maintaining a household, the stresses of work, and for all those parents out there, the constant attention and energy children require.

Familiarity is a double-edged sword for most couples. Familiarity and repetitive routines can make you and your partner feel safe and comfortable with one another, but these same relationship staples can slowly cool the embers of passion.

For many, passion and novelty go hand-in-hand–new love is inherently passionate and sexually exciting. Just remember the level of passion you and your partner experienced early on in your relationship and you’ll know what I’m talking about. But those spontaneous fireworks cannot last indefinitely—at some point deliberate attention and effort are needed to nurture this part of your relationship.

Are you contributing to a no-sex (or low-sex) marriage?

In addition to the natural erotic lulls that accompany long-term relationships, many couples are surprised to discover that they are doing things to contribute to a no-sex marriage. In particular, these couples espouse anti-erotic mindsets that make passion nearly impossible (and they might not even realize it!).

See if you or your partner hold any of the passion-annihilating mindsets listed below:

1. “Foreplay is a waste of time.”

Some people are anti-foreplay. They’d rather jump right into sex, even if their partner isn’t in the mood. Sure, some people like to start slow and their sexual arousal levels require a little attention and nurturance, but people who hold this particular mindset are probably convinced that they don’t have the time or patience for foreplay. As a husband once said to me, “Doc, I work sixty-five hours a week. Foreplay isn’t economical—it takes too much time and effort.” Since when does foreplay have to be so time consuming? Even a “quickie” can include a little foreplay.

If you want to chase all lasting remnants of passion out of your relationship, forget the warm-up and embrace an anti-foreplay attitude. But if it’s satisfying love-making that you’re after, learn to embrace a pro-foreplay attitude.

2. “Passion shouldn’t take planning”

You keep telling yourself that once the job stress vanishes or the kids grow up and leave for college, passion will magically find its way back into your relationship (so there’s no reason to bother making the effort now). Part of this mindset includes the erroneous belief that passion should remain natural and spontaneous.

Most couples in a long-term relationship discover that great sex often results from sex that’s planned (but they’re not the ones reading an article on surefire ways to destroy passion). So, if you want to be sure the bed is used just for sleeping, throw away your daily planners and keep your fingers crossed that passion will find its way into your relationship.

3. “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” (AKA: Don’t disturb a good rut.)

Here’s a really effective passion-drain: Resist any change or initiative that might add zest to your relationship; prepare the same meals, eat at the same restaurants, use the same exact script each time you make love, and for heaven’s sake, never ever carve out alone time for you and your spouse.

As an added bonus, here are two passion-destroying beliefs that many couples end up endorsing. If you’re stubbornly set on creating a relationship without any passion, you can repeat these statements each morning, but please only repeat them if you’re totally serious about obliterating all signs of sexual energy from your relationship:

“Nothing will ever change, so why bother trying.”

and

“We’ve been together for so many years, it’s useless trying something different.”

4. “Why bother touching each other if it isn’t going to lead to sex?”

Touch (both sexual and nonsexual) can add a layer of sensuality to your relationship while making you and your partner feel closer to each other. However, making a commitment to touch each other more frequently isn’t that straightforward. Here’s just one unforeseen complication you might face:

You’re watching television together while holding hands—sounds good, right? But what if you like to alternate channel-surfing hands? Within seconds things can get pretty convoluted and for some of you uncoordinated types, a little dangerous. Imagine your humiliation when you reach out to touch your partner but accidentally clip her in the side of the face with the remote. Or even worse, you put the remote down in order to hold hands and your spouse ends up gaining control of the remote! Keep your hands to yourself (for safety’s sake).

There are many paths to a passionless relationship—the above passion–destroying mindsets are just a small sampling of how couples inadvertently chase the sex out of their relationships. There are also steps you can take to build a lasting and meaningful relationship, but some effort is needed. Are you ready to take this next step and create a meaningful relationship?

Would you like to receive free monthly tips and learn what other couples are doing to help build successful marriages and relationships?

Visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”