This is normally the case for most people who have survived something very traumatic like an accident or an illness. Sometimes it takes people to believe that perhaps they are going to die, in order for their inner strength to develop. Most people seem to believe it is because of what they have gone through that they have become a much stronger but couldn’t it be that it was within you always?

Growing stronger after an illness or accident seem to happen for both women and men equally but there are one certain type of survivors who seem to surpass all other survivors and that is women surviving spousal abuse and who are able to break away from their marriage with their life intact. A woman who has for years been the victim of abuse have generally lost all her feeling of self worth and has no will of her own after years of being brain washed.

Being in a life threatening situation with such a frame of mind takes nothing short of a miracle to be able to get out of. The strength which has to come from within, in this case, has to be beyond any ones comprehension. Every survivor’s story is unique and special but the accomplishments of battered women have to be among the highest on the “list”.

People who face long term illnesses have to go through several stages in their fight. These stages normally start with disbelief which then turns into anger and despair. It normally takes the person to hit rock bottom before they find their strength to start fighting for their life. This rock bottom is were people either accept that they are going to die or they flat out refuse to accept it and start fighting with all they have in order to stay alive.

Accident victims normally have no warning that their life is in jeopardy and are therefore not prepared for what is about to happen to them. Survivors of horrific accidents are nothing but living miracles. What actually keeps them alive despite claims from doctors saying there is no way anyone could have made it through such an accident.

To all your survivors out there, put your fortune to good and use it to inspire others who find themselves in a similar situation you once faced. Perhaps with your help they can become survivors too.

Emotional or physical abuse is an all too frequent occurrence for many children and women. Surveys indicate that as many as a fifth of all women are verbally abused at some time during their marriage, and at least 10% of them are abused on a regular basis.

When raging, some men will use verbal or physical intimidation or threats. However, abuse by women is almost always verbal. Remember that verbal or emotional abuse can occur almost anywhere, even online and through e-mail.

Victims of emotional abuse experience intense suffering that interferes with their quality of life,ability to be a good parent, their ability to trust others and their capability to perform well inside the home and the workplace. Some victims of abuse may even attempt suicide rather than continue to endure the harassment.

Men who rant, rave and bully their partners thrive on controlling or dominating them. They have often been the victims of physical or emotional abuse themselves. They can be depressed,angry or upset about almost anything.

Abusers often get involved with women who are passive or easily intimidated. Their victims were often raised in abusive households themselves and look at their chaotic and tumultuous relationships as almost an expected part of family life.

If you are emotionally abusive, you must seek help as soon as possible. Without treatment, your behavior can lead to serious emotional and, even, physical damage to your spouse or children, as well as trying and expensive legal problems.

If your behavior continues, a comprehensive evaluation by a clinical psychologist or other mental health professional should be arranged. The evaluation can help you understand what is causing it and help you stop your destructive behavior.

If you are a victim of spousal abuse, however, do not lapse into denial. You must consult with a therapist and disclose what is happening. You must keep going to counseling regularly, talk in an open and honest way and be prepared to take action to protect you and your kids. Remember that it is not your fault, and that you are doing the right thing by participating in counseling and following your therapists advice.

Other specific suggestions include:

Ask your therapist what he or she thinks should be done. What has worked for others? What does not work?

Read articles and books about verbal abuse. Read about what you need to do and use your communitys anger management training classes and resources.

If at all possible, do not physically fight the abuser or argue back. Use the leave and ignore strategy; get away from the perpetrator by leaving the immediate environment. If it is possible to go to another location, do so. Otherwise, escape to another room and lock the door behind you.

Do not argue and do not acknowledge the abusers behavior. Practice the correct way to respond to your partners behavior with your therapist.

Occasionally, the simple act of insisting that the perpetrator leave you alone, may work. However, remember that the abusers true goals are usually to dominate, enjoy watching you suffer or get a response and recognition from you. Therefore, freeing yourself from the immediate environment and not engaging him at all is often the best way to cope.

Spend a lot of time with family and friends at home and elsewhere. Abusers often try cutting you off from the outside world and attempt to isolate you. However, more than anything, at this time, you must maintain regular contact with your counselor and members of your support network.

A clinical psychologist or other mental health professional will help you develop a strategy to deal with the abuse. Also, remember, that seeking professional assistance earlier can lessen the risk of lasting emotional consequences for you and your children.

Mary is a 51 year- old mother of 3 who will be officially divorced this week after 22 years of marriage. Her road to life without abuse similar to millions of others in her situation will continue to be difficult. This morning as she was moving into her new home, Mary felt uneasy about her safety. “He’s not done with me. I know he will kill me or make it look like an accident. I am terrified.”

While waiting for the alarm company installer to arrive Mary and I went over safety issues to implement and watch for in her new home. We walked around the outside of the house with a handyman she hired to secure the windows by placing hinges on the inside removing all the screens replacing then with storm windows. We marked all the doors to be replaced with deadbolts not only on each door but included the screen storm doors, and side door of the garage.

Once the alarm company arrived we strategically discussed the placement of the wireless system. In Mary’s situation because her husband is angry and violent and has thtretened to take her life the alarm company also wired the garage and extra windows leading into the basement. It cost several hundred dollars extra but it was well worth it. The alarm company installer suggested that the entire landscape of bushes, or large plants near any of the widows be either cut very low or removed entirely. So that no one could hide. Then Mary and I went to Menards and bought motions lights for the outside of the home and various timers for lights inside the house.

Her husband was scheduled to pick up their son for dinner after I left. I received a text message from Mary, “when he got here he came after me and I had to call the police-they refused to arrest him and I insisted a report be made-Susan he had the look of death in his eyes and he told me I’ll never make it to court alive on Thursday-he said if I drop divorce he’ll forgive me and we can stay married. “

The safety strategies I have implemented for Mary are specific to her abuser and how handy he is at breaking and entering into places always without anyone seeing him. His anger is at a very dangerous level and Mary has a 50/50 chance at staying alive if she remains calm and on guard at all times. It’s a lot of work, but it is possible. Often a woman is killed because she was not prepared to defend herself or the courts refuse to issue an order of protection or police do not feel they have enough to make an arrest. Regardless, a woman fights for the system to do its’ job and to basically while continuing to fight the abuser when no one is looking , then fight for her kids and her life.

I think about women like Kathleen Savio, the third wife of Drew Peterson. Was there an alarm in the home? If yes why wasn’t it activated? Drew Peterson is not only a trained police officer but a skilled locksmith. Did he sneak in while she was sleeping? Did Peterson catch Kathleen off guard at a time of night when it was least expected? Did he sneak into the house and pull a gun on her?

Did Kathleen and Drew Peterson struggle? In my opinion like criminal profilers, these are cases that I study in hopes of keeping other women alive. As a society we have a long way to go before we treat domestic violence in the home as a crime. And then just maybe in high school classrooms we can replace how to correctly use a condom with how to know the signs of an abuser and how to stay safe and what to do if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you have ended a relationship, change those locks, immediately! And do a walk around your home. Remove any ladders, make sure the garage is locked, put away any tools. And yes, even rearrange your living space.What about your windows and sliding glass doors? Get yourself over to the hardware store and find the best cost effective method to bars and locks for these areas.

What about a dog? Don’t have a dog? Go ahead and buy or make a Dog Beware sign and put it in your windows.Another great tip is to record the sound of a barking dog. If you don’t have a dog, take a recorder and head to the nearest dog shelter and tape the barking sounds. Go ahead and even record your phone voice and message right there on the spot, at the dog shelter. Say something like” Okay Sparky, I’m on the phone, that’s enough, be quiet, sorry can’t come to the phone please leave a message then head home and play it into your phone message system.  Strangers and others you are trying to keep away will think you have dogs and that may deter them. You can also play a recoding each time you answer your telephone with just the sounds of a barking dog. What about a basic home security system? This goes hand in hand with the other security solutions above.

If you keep a spare key outside someplace-stop it now! Never leave a key anywhere outside your home.If you are not expecting anyone or anything to arrive at your door, do not open the door. If the bell continues to ring waiting for you to answer the door and you do not know who it is, call 911. Never, ever leave any type of note on your door or mail box for anyone. Either text message them, send an email or do it the old fashioned way and call them.

Physical abuse in marriage is the act of inflicting pain on a partner in order to assert control over him/her. More cases of physical abuse in marriage involve the male partner as the aggressor than the female.

Every year in the US, 2 to 4 million women are assaulted by male partners as against 800,000 cases of domestic violence perpetrated by women against men while 2,000 women are murdered by their current or former male partners in the US. The following are some of the underlying causes:

Lack of Church attendance. Religion especially Judeo-Christian faith has a way of tempering man’s aggressive nature and making him see his wife as a God-given complement to his person. A husband who does not believe in the word of God will not subscribe to this biblical teaching. Such a man does not accept the Christian teaching in Ephesians 5:25 which says Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for it and Eph. 5: 33 Nevertheless, let each of you so love his own wife as himself. He acts with impunity without recourse to God because he believes might is right since he does not have the fear of God in him Poor Spousal Communication. Communication is the lubricant that oils the machinery of marriage; when it is poorly developed; partners get physical over minor issues. Victim of Child Abuse A husband who was a victim of child abuse has pent up anger and feelings of inferiority which he will release on his partner after marriage unless he has dealt with the issue before marriage. Witnessed Father Beat up Mother A husband who witnessed his dad beat up his mum would think it is normal to act that way when there is disagreement.

5. Husbands who abuse alcohol or drugs. Such men drink or use drugs and thereafter lose their self control and become violent.

6. Wrong Gender Role Beliefs. Husbands with distorted view of their role as heads in the home use their position to demand unquestioning obedience from their wives or else they use violence to beat them in to submission.

7. Failure or Unhappiness at place of work. A husband who is a failure or is miserable at the place of work comes home with pent up anger and takes it out on the wife and children.

Poor Social Skills. Husbands with low self esteem and inferiority complex who have exaggerated need to dominate their wives to show that they are in charge at home resort to spousal physical abuse during disagreements. Such men find it difficult to be intimate with their wife. Aggressive and Perfectionist Personality A husband with aggressive personality and poor anger management skills often gives in to violent outburst of anger which is out of proportion to any offense committed. Husbands with perfectionist and difficult-to-please nature often find reasons to fight with their wives.

10. When a partner is idle. An unemployed or underemployed husband reads meaning to every action of the wife, feels threatened and resorts to violence to control his wife.

11. Cultural Background A husband who comes from a culture where the wife is treated as a property and where wife abuse is an entrenched practice would have no inhibitions in being violent against his wife.

12. Faulty Religious Beliefs A wife who has a misunderstanding of what it is to submit to her husband, accepts physical abuse thereby reinforcing the husband’s antisocial and violent behavior.  A husband who goes to a church where the rights of women are ignored would not have any inhibitions about using fist cuffs to settle marital disputes.

13. Absence of Law against Battery Husbands living in a country where there are no laws against battery take liberty for license and behave violently toward their wives.

14. Low Socioeconomic Status of Woman A husband married to a woman of poor social standing feels he would not be called to question if he behaves violently towards his wife.

15. Urban Residence Studies have found the incidence of physical abuse is higher among couples living in urban settings. This might be related to the higher stress of living in such places with men developing volatile temper as a consequence.

16. Young age at time of Marriage Men who marry early in life especially if pregnancy out of wedlock compelled them to marry may be prone to wife abuse.

17. Great number of children The stress level in such families is high because of the demands of the children and this could lead to physical abuse during quarrels.

18. Unmet expectations When a man has a hidden reason for marrying a woman, for instance, if he is expecting some financial assistance from the in-laws and this is not forthcoming, he can resort to violence during minor misunderstandings.

19. Denial of conjugal rights When a woman deprives the husband of his conjugal rights because of his inability to fend for his family, he tries to use force to get his way.

20. Disrespect towards a husband A woman who taunts and disrespects the husband or compares him with more successful men could be at a risk of violence being used against her during arguments.

The following factors increase the likelihood of a partner being abused in a relationship:

A woman who was abused as child can feel it is normal to get abused in life and so would not negotiate to be treated with respect by the husband. A husband with violent temper and who is very possessive in nature might succumb to fits of jealousy whenever the partner associates with other males. A woman that did not get love growing up from her father seeks love from any man that pretends to love her. Her judgment is impaired because she cannot distinguish true love from lust and so rushes in to marriage with a violent man. A woman who married a man against her parents’ wish becomes socially isolated from her family leaving her at the mercy of a husband who does not feel accountable to her family and can afford to treat her anyhow. A woman married to a substance abuser or alcoholic would be at risk for physical abuse because the husband may not always be in control of himself. A husband who neither goes to church nor believes in God may not have any qualms behaving violently towards his wife. He is not accountable to any pastor or religious leader. A woman who got pregnant out of wedlock and had to marry the man to mitigate the shame may be subject to violent outburst from the husband because he probably never planned to marry her in the first place. A woman planning to leave a marriage where she has been emotionally abused may be attacked by the husband. A woman with physical or mental instability who cannot stand up to the husband can be abused.

10. A poor unemployed woman might be of less economic value to a husband who is chronically strapped for money.

11. A recently separated or divorced woman who is stalked by her former partner may be at risk for an attack.

12. A woman married to an unemployed or underemployed man could be at the receiving end of such a man’s frustrations. A man in such a state is very sensitive to any action that suggest his waning influence in the home.

13. A woman married to a man that was emotionally and verbally abusive during courtship may become a victim of domestic violence later on.

14. A woman that has little regard for her husband and shows it in her dealings with him may be at risk for physical abuse.

15. A woman married to a man with a history of physical abuse in previous relationships may be at risk for physical abuse in marriage unless the man had gone for professional therapy.

Emotional abuse is the first stage of domestic violence. You find yourself in a romantic relationship that begins with our new partner being extremely attentive. He is willing to do anything for you. Things progress quickly, though, perhaps faster than your comfort level. He talking about marriage and kids and your not ready to go there, yet.

I will insert a disclaimer here: Not all emotional abusers are men. Women can also be abusers. I will the male pronoun in this example because the majority are men due to their size and generally more aggressive nature (no offense, guys).

When you try to slow him down he doesn’t even hear you. He never has taken “no” for an answer; and you didn’t have the heart to give it to him. That was a mistake on your part. When abusers are scouting out a partner they look for someone who can’t say “no”. Maybe they start by offering you a drink. You really don’t want on one, he insists relentlessly until you cave and accept it. He’s testing you. You should be testing him. When offered something from someone you just met, politely refuse. If he perseveres (won’t take “no” for an answer) lose him immediately! He’ll scout elsewhere. If he’s O.K. with you declining his offer, he passes that test. Later you can change your mind about the drink, though you may have it get it yourself.

So now you’re in a relationship with Mr. Super Attentive and you notice that when he gets grouchy he takes it out on you. At first he just makes sideways remarks to you about your appearance, intelligence or behavior; ranging from little verbal put downs to name calling. He’s overly critical of everything you do and soon he’s humiliating you in front of your family and friends.

His overall demeanor slowly changes as he gets angry easier all the time. He’s overly jealous and need to know where you are at all times. You start to lie to him in an attempt to keep him calm. Soon you realize that he makes all decisions and he has slowly taken full control of your relationship.

If this describes your relationship you are the victim of emotional abuse.  I’d advise you now to get out. Things will not get better- only worse. He may initiate stalking behaviors next, showing up unexpectedly at your work or other places you normally go without him. He will try to isolate you from your friends and family. He may start and argument with them. You would, of course side with him so as not to anger him. His isolation process begins.

His anger becomes more frequent and escalates to mean gestures, breaking things that have sentiment value to you, even abusing your pets. He may even flaunt weapons to you.

Girl, the red flag was waived right in front of your face. If you have let the emotional abuse get this far you are in eminent danger! The next step is physical violence. This won’t only happen once, although he’ll probably swear it’ll never happen again. His lying is one of his lesser sins!
You need to leave this relationship now!

The case of Drew Peterson, a policeman in Bollingbrook, Illinois, is still under investigation in the disappearance of his fourth wife Stacy. His third wife, whose body was dug up for further testing, showed signs of homicide. Relatives of his previous wives tell police he abused them. Peterson says he loves his wife and pleads with her to return. Authorities have never located Stacy’s body. No one has heard from her.

One of the earliest signs of future abusive behavior is financial control. A husband controls the purse strings, refusing to share financial information with his wife but expecting that she account for every choice and every penny spent.

Many women suffer in silence, telling themselves that their husband?s controlling behavior is a personality quirk.They may still have access to joint finances, reasonable mobility and buying choices. They are frustrated by their husband?s attitude and behavior, but they don?t live with a gnawing sense of fear.

Financial abuse is different.

It is behavior designed to isolate a woman into a state of complete financial dependence. The most important thing to remember about financial abuse is that the abuser is not out of control. He can, at the drop of a hat, change his behavior to suit the social circumstances. He can be charming and persuasive, but his objective is to isolate his partner and make her dependence on him total.He is deliberately choosing to control his partner?s behavior by cutting off her access to money, mobility and choice.

Financial abuse can often lead to physical abuse as well. It happens within all age ranges, educational levels, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The rich socialite who lives in the largest house in the best neighborhood is as likely to be a victim of financial abuse as the poorest wife in the toughest section of town.

Where do you draw the line?

You may know someone whom you suspect is being financially abused and feel helpless. After her husband went on a physical rampage during an argument about money, a local socialite was rushed to the hosptial with multiple fractures. He is the CEO of one of the country?s largest financial institutions.

After a brief mention in the local newspaper, the story disappeared from all police reports and press archives. This incident is not unique; it happens more often than we realize.

On the other hand, you may not know that your neighbor, acquaintance or friend is a financial hostage because she won?t tell you. You may know her husband, and never suspect a thing. He?s not out of control or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. We might label his behavior difficult, eccentric or unpleasant, but we don?t intervene

The thing to remember about financial abuse is that it functions on a continuum of emotional, verbal and ultimately physical abuse. The abuser?s objective is control.

Signs of Financial Abuse

Controlling the finances.

Withholding money or credit cards.

Giving you an allowance.

Making you account for every penny you spend.

Stealing from you or taking your money.

using your assets for his personal benefit.

Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, you can get help by contacting the following:

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to Http://www.nrcdv.org .

http://feminist.org/911/crisis.html – This website lists the numbers and locations of domestic violence hotlines for the 50 states.

Constitutional law?
Like my other question, I need a one sentence definition for this term. Wikipedia doesn’t make it very clear what they mean. ‘ law that relates to the constitution, as a permanent system of political and juridical government, as distinguished from statutory and common law, which relate to matters subordinate to such constitution.

Difference between common law and law of equity?
Common law is a different stream of law to equity. It developed in the middle ages where people who had an injustice which could not be sorted by the common law due to strict procedure and precedent were able to file their grievances in equity. – they are 2 different.

can you sue a store for not carrying an item that is on sale?
What are the common law contract principles? (Homework assignment) No, because there can be several reasons why they don’t have the item, but they can write you a raincheck or offer a substitution. – No. – ?? How can it be on sale if the.

Common law marrage in Virginia.?
Okay I have a few questions: 1) What IS common law marrage? 2) How exactly does it work in the state of Virginia? 3) What if you don’t want to be married by common law, or whatever? (Lost on words here!) Thanks! 3) An essential part of common law is that you are presenting.

common law marriage with non-u.s. citizen?
Is common law marriage recognized in Texas? If so is it still possible to have a common law divorce if one spouse is not a u.s. citizen? Texas does recognize common law marriage (called an informal marriage), but there is no such thing as a common law divorce. If you have a common.

Common law Marriage?
Is there a such thing as common law marriage, legally? Or is it just what people say when they live together. and how long do you have to live together to be considered common law? it depends on what state you live in if it exists and how long you must live together before it takes.

Find me a book on republic of ireland common law?
Hmmmm. I think you need to be more specific. Common Law relating to what? Start here, it may help.  – No, YOU find a book on republic of ireland common law. – No unless you are more polite about it

For lawyers only!?
Have you heard of the State v. Stewart case. IF you have or have some knowledge of the case please e-mail me. 1. Under the common law, the excuse for killing in self-defense is founded upon necessity, be it real or apparent. 2. Where self-defense is asserted, evidence of the deceased’s long-term cruelty and violence towards.

Habeus corpus is lost will you help me to find him?
who is habeus corpus and where did he go to the ACLU wants me to help them find him, can you help us with this I don’t know who he is or where he went can you help us with this In common law, habeas corpus (/).

How does society and the government impact common law?
any help with the topic is much appreciated. i have no idea. thank you Common law is judge made law. Personality factors such as the individual judge can affect this. Statistics show that Australian judges are from a very narrow socio-economic background, over 90% of judges are male from an.

I specifically told a solicitor not to disclose my address but they have done what can I do?
They have breached data protection act 1998 and you need advice. It could be a very horrific situation especially as you could have been fleeing domestic violence. Basically there is a common law, called the law of confidence which prevents.

Countries that have the same common law system mean that they have the same/similar laws?
Does that mean Australia has the same kind of statutes as in Singapore/ England.. and other common law countries? Virtually all countries that started with British common law have a lot of basic legal concepts in common, starting with the principles in the Magna.

Degrees in a Murder case?
What do the degrees mean for a murder or other crime? Like when they say 1st degree, 2nd degree, or 3rd degree? 1st degree is premeditated, 2nd degree is when you just kill someone without premeditation, 3rd degree is usually like manslaughter. – It varies by state (or province). At common law (which is.

Did a common law marriage exist between Mary Magdalene & Jesus Christ?
No, the Bible, nor any other manuscript says that they were married. The Da Vinci Code is a lie, and attempts to undermine the Christian faith. Jesus came for one reason, to save mankind! – Sadly, Nobody knows.. – No, they were very close friends. Of.

In uk law, what is the difference between common law and equity?
the common law is a complete system of law applied in common law courts, it’s rigid in nature.equity is not a complete system of law, yet it suffices the lackings of the common law, equity adjudicators judges based on what is fair and just. – In.

Inheritance law in Singapore?
Hello there, I am retired and about to transfer my money to a bank in Singapore. I live partly in Europe and Thailand and have a son with my common law partner. I recently made my last will where I stated that 75 percent of my fortune should go to my son and 25 percent.

Is A South Carolina Marriage Recognized In Georgia,Or Is It Legal There?
Yes – any marriage in any state is recognized in all 50 states. This is provided for in the US Constitution. Most states do not recognize common law marriages, with one exception. Common law marriages which were established in states which *do* recognize them are recognized.

Is there a law to protect me if my boss slanders my good name?
The common law of practically every state recognizes slander as a ‘tort’ where you can sue for actual and punitive damages. Consult a lawyer. – Ofcourse.slander..but make sure it was infact slander..the boss must make a statement in the presence of third parties that.

Is there common law marrage in ohio?
a friend of mine was married in 1958 he was married for 8 years and had 3 children, he divorced , a year later they bought a home together but never remarried, the children grew up and left, neither one wants to leave the home and all they do is fight ,.

Is there common law marriage in your state?
I lived with a man for 14 years. When we broke up I thought are relationship was common law. Which entitles me to marriage benifits. But California did away with that. Does your state have common law? My state does (if it’s grandfathered – pre 1997) Here’s.

More Common law questions please visit : LawFreeFAQ.com

If I asked you who your best friend is, many of you would point to your spouse or partner. Close friends share a strong emotional bond, enjoy spending time with each other and often have a lot in common. However, there are important elements of a romantic relationship that set it apart from a just-friends relationship–passion, sensuality, and physical attraction.

Unfortunately, in many long-term relationships, passion wanes as the years pass and the couple begins behaving more like close friends than romantic partners.

Sexual desire fluctuates throughout the life of a relationship

Every individual is different, which means that every couple is different. Take this one step further and it’s clear that every couple has different levels of sexual desire. Despite the urge to compare ourselves to others as we search for the ideal “times per week,” the fact is there is no magic number because a couple’s sexuality is intensely personal and completely unique to the couple.

You’re in very good company if the quantity and quality of sex fluctuates in your marriage or relationship. Many couples report steady declines as the years march on, others experience periods of little physical intimacy intermixed with sporadic increases in sex. Couples have different sexual rhythms.

Despite these natural fluctuations, there are mindsets that can creep into your relationship and negatively impact your attempts to keep passion alive. Be aware of them and you put yourself on the road toward a more fulfilling sex life with your partner.

The four mindsets that can destroy passion:

1. You believe that sex is separate from other parts of your relationship.

A relationship truism couples often forget: How you treat your partner outside the bedroom affects what happens inside the bedroom. If your partner perceives you as indifferent or judgmental, it shouldn’t be a surprise when you hear “I’m really not in the mood tonight.”

The seeds of passion are set outside the bedroom–nurture the emotional connection of your relationship and you’ll nurture passion.

2. You’re waiting for spontaneous sex to occur.

Please ignore the Hollywood movies that show couples knocking over every pot and pan in the kitchen (even pot and pans filled with ready-to-eat gourmet food) as they’re overcome with desire and cannot wait to get to the bedroom to have sex. Spontaneous sexual combustion might have occurred when you and your partner were first dating, but for couples who survive past the two-year mark, life’s spontaneous happenings are more likely to involve heartburn and indigestion than sex.

You need to plan for romantic moments, thereby creating them. Even if, over breakfast, you can’t imagine yourself being in the mood later in the evening, if you set aside a time and create a romantic space, you might later surprise yourself when you become aroused.

Don’t be passive about passion–successful couples work on creating passion.

3. You believe sex is mainly physical.

Sex is psychological, emotional and physical. For many, the road to great sex starts in their mind. You’ve probably heard the adage: “The most powerful sex organ is between the ears.” Your imagination and fantasy life can be a great aphrodisiac. For this to occur, you and your partner need to openly communicate about your sexual desires and interests.

Feedback and discussions about what works and doesn’t work in the bedroom will pave the way to a more fulfilling sex life.

4. You still believe in “the quickie.”

Nothing kills passion like a hurried atmosphere. You’re not a teenager any longer, translated: Your body and libido have slowed down a bit since raging sex hormones were the new kids on the block. Do you warm up before exercising? Do you let your car idle before heading off to work in the morning? You and your partner may have different warm-up times before feeling ready for sex–respect these differences and take it slow.

Give passion the time it deserves.

While you might not be able to recapture the sexual glory days of a new relationship, you (and your partner) can take the steps necessary to resuscitate romance and keep passion alive. Awareness of the above four mindsets is an important first step in reversing the toll the years often take on passionate relationships.

To discover other tips about how to build a more loving, passionate relationship, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s Relationship Toolbox Newsletter. As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports, “The Four Mindsets that Can Topple Your Relationship” and “Relationship Self-defense: Control How You Argue Before Your Arguments Control You.”

“I hate having to compete with the TV or computer for my husband’s attention. He used to be such a wonderful listener. I feel like I’m not important enough to him anymore.” ~Jennifer

“It’s really frustrating. I’ll tell my girlfriend something and by the next day, she’s forgotten what I said. I’ve given up trying.” ~Marcel

The Importance of Listening in Marriage

Speaking is easy. The real challenge for couples is listening.

We all want our spouses or partners to listen better—to hear not only our words but also what lies beneath the surface of language: our unspoken needs, desires and fears. Such in-depth listening allows couples to feel understood, appreciated and connected to each other. Too many couples lose sight of just how important effective listening is to the health of their marriage or relationship.

The skill of effective listening is endangered.

A frequent complaint of the couples I work with is that one or both partners feel the other is no longer attentive or really paying attention. When in-depth listening is lost, the fall-out is significant: one or both partners might feel marginalized; there may be increased conflict, lingering resentments, or emotional withdrawal; in severe cases, intimacy might break down completely or the couple may feel deep despair or a loss of hope.

The mutual understanding that comes from real listening is essential for your relationship to evolve.

Why aren’t you listening to me?!

Like a muscle that requires exercise, your listening skills need to be worked on and regularly used for best results. Many couples mistakenly assume that listening should be a natural part of love and require little effort.

The first step in becoming a really good listener is to learn about the different kinds of listening skills. While the following list isn’t exhaustive, it’s a good place to start in figuring out what kind of listener you are (or what kind of listener you’d like become).

Levels of Listening:

Surface Listening

This is the type of listening that occurs in many social settings. A minimum of attentive energy is required. For instance, the cashier asks, “Hi, how are you?” and you automatically respond, “Fine, how about you?” Here you listen just enough to know how to respond in a socially sanctioned and appropriate way.

When you’re listening in surface mode, you have little investment in the speaker’s feelings or opinions. You may end up being a surface listener in your relationship for a variety of reasons: distraction, feeling overwhelmed, anger at your partner, and indifference and/or hopelessness about your relationship can all result in surface listening. When you’ve totally forgotten that your wife asked you to pick up milk after the gym, you were probably listening at a surface level (if you were listening at all).

Action-oriented Listening

At this level, you realize that the speaker will require or ask something from you. Here your goal is mainly to follow-through on what is being asked of you. While this level requires more attentive energy than surface listening, you can still be preoccupied and emotionally distant throughout the conversation and come away with the gist of what is being asked of you. When you are flying out the door in the morning and you acknowledge that it’s your turn to pick up the twins from daycare, you’re in the action-oriented mode of listening.

Attentive Listening

In attentive listening, the speaker has gained your genuine interest. Here you are more fully present for your partner and the message sent has an impact on you—either because the person sending the message is important to you or the message itself is of interest. Most — if not all — of your mental energy is given to your spouse/partner when you listen at this level. When you and your partner reach this level of listening, you will share a heightened sense of being heard, understood and valued. These are the ingredients that will allow intimacy to grow.

Empathic Listening

Empathic listening is the deepest form of listening you can achieve. At this level, you leave your own subjective experience and begin to feel what it must be like to be your spouse or partner in a particular moment. Empathic listening requires several skills that must be practiced:

~Full, unencumbered attention to what your spouse/partner is saying and feeling;

~The ability to place your own opinions, issues and agendas on hold;

~Remaining open to the full experience of your partner, even when your typical reactions differ from what your partner is going through.

Empathic listening isn’t always easy to achieve—this mode of listening requires the most from you. It’s impossible to be worrying about tomorrow’s job interview and be empathically present for your partner. Preoccupation is the death-knell of empathic listening. While it may feel like a challenge to reach this level, the benefits to your relationship are well worth the effort. Mutual empathy feeds intimacy and creates a depth of connection that many couples describe as transformative.

Most couples bounce between all these levels of listening and each level has a place in your relationship. Different circumstances require different levels of listening: It isn’t necessary or helpful to move into empathic listening when your husband called to say he’s running late, while surface listening is problematic when your wife is affectionately and sincerely saying, “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” Knowing which level of listening is required is both an art and a skill.

When your partner approaches you with something that is clearly important to him/her, you should work toward attentive and empathic levels of listening.

The challenge for you is to work on your attentive and empathic listening skills (even if you’re convinced that your partner is perpetually stuck at the surface or action-oriented level). Whether you choose to work on your listening skills alone or with your spouse/partner, remember that all skills require effort and persistence before they become a habit.

To discover other ways to create a deeper, more intimate relationship visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

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