If I asked you who your best friend is, many of you would point to your spouse or partner. Close friends share a strong emotional bond, enjoy spending time with each other and often have a lot in common. However, there are important elements of a romantic relationship that set it apart from a just-friends relationship–passion, sensuality, and physical attraction.

Unfortunately, in many long-term relationships, passion wanes as the years pass and the couple begins behaving more like close friends than romantic partners.

Sexual desire fluctuates throughout the life of a relationship

Every individual is different, which means that every couple is different. Take this one step further and it’s clear that every couple has different levels of sexual desire. Despite the urge to compare ourselves to others as we search for the ideal “times per week,” the fact is there is no magic number because a couple’s sexuality is intensely personal and completely unique to the couple.

You’re in very good company if the quantity and quality of sex fluctuates in your marriage or relationship. Many couples report steady declines as the years march on, others experience periods of little physical intimacy intermixed with sporadic increases in sex. Couples have different sexual rhythms.

Despite these natural fluctuations, there are mindsets that can creep into your relationship and negatively impact your attempts to keep passion alive. Be aware of them and you put yourself on the road toward a more fulfilling sex life with your partner.

The four mindsets that can destroy passion:

1. You believe that sex is separate from other parts of your relationship.

A relationship truism couples often forget: How you treat your partner outside the bedroom affects what happens inside the bedroom. If your partner perceives you as indifferent or judgmental, it shouldn’t be a surprise when you hear “I’m really not in the mood tonight.”

The seeds of passion are set outside the bedroom–nurture the emotional connection of your relationship and you’ll nurture passion.

2. You’re waiting for spontaneous sex to occur.

Please ignore the Hollywood movies that show couples knocking over every pot and pan in the kitchen (even pot and pans filled with ready-to-eat gourmet food) as they’re overcome with desire and cannot wait to get to the bedroom to have sex. Spontaneous sexual combustion might have occurred when you and your partner were first dating, but for couples who survive past the two-year mark, life’s spontaneous happenings are more likely to involve heartburn and indigestion than sex.

You need to plan for romantic moments, thereby creating them. Even if, over breakfast, you can’t imagine yourself being in the mood later in the evening, if you set aside a time and create a romantic space, you might later surprise yourself when you become aroused.

Don’t be passive about passion–successful couples work on creating passion.

3. You believe sex is mainly physical.

Sex is psychological, emotional and physical. For many, the road to great sex starts in their mind. You’ve probably heard the adage: “The most powerful sex organ is between the ears.” Your imagination and fantasy life can be a great aphrodisiac. For this to occur, you and your partner need to openly communicate about your sexual desires and interests.

Feedback and discussions about what works and doesn’t work in the bedroom will pave the way to a more fulfilling sex life.

4. You still believe in “the quickie.”

Nothing kills passion like a hurried atmosphere. You’re not a teenager any longer, translated: Your body and libido have slowed down a bit since raging sex hormones were the new kids on the block. Do you warm up before exercising? Do you let your car idle before heading off to work in the morning? You and your partner may have different warm-up times before feeling ready for sex–respect these differences and take it slow.

Give passion the time it deserves.

While you might not be able to recapture the sexual glory days of a new relationship, you (and your partner) can take the steps necessary to resuscitate romance and keep passion alive. Awareness of the above four mindsets is an important first step in reversing the toll the years often take on passionate relationships.

To discover other tips about how to build a more loving, passionate relationship, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s Relationship Toolbox Newsletter. As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports, “The Four Mindsets that Can Topple Your Relationship” and “Relationship Self-defense: Control How You Argue Before Your Arguments Control You.”

“I hate having to compete with the TV or computer for my husband’s attention. He used to be such a wonderful listener. I feel like I’m not important enough to him anymore.” ~Jennifer

“It’s really frustrating. I’ll tell my girlfriend something and by the next day, she’s forgotten what I said. I’ve given up trying.” ~Marcel

The Importance of Listening in Marriage

Speaking is easy. The real challenge for couples is listening.

We all want our spouses or partners to listen better—to hear not only our words but also what lies beneath the surface of language: our unspoken needs, desires and fears. Such in-depth listening allows couples to feel understood, appreciated and connected to each other. Too many couples lose sight of just how important effective listening is to the health of their marriage or relationship.

The skill of effective listening is endangered.

A frequent complaint of the couples I work with is that one or both partners feel the other is no longer attentive or really paying attention. When in-depth listening is lost, the fall-out is significant: one or both partners might feel marginalized; there may be increased conflict, lingering resentments, or emotional withdrawal; in severe cases, intimacy might break down completely or the couple may feel deep despair or a loss of hope.

The mutual understanding that comes from real listening is essential for your relationship to evolve.

Why aren’t you listening to me?!

Like a muscle that requires exercise, your listening skills need to be worked on and regularly used for best results. Many couples mistakenly assume that listening should be a natural part of love and require little effort.

The first step in becoming a really good listener is to learn about the different kinds of listening skills. While the following list isn’t exhaustive, it’s a good place to start in figuring out what kind of listener you are (or what kind of listener you’d like become).

Levels of Listening:

Surface Listening

This is the type of listening that occurs in many social settings. A minimum of attentive energy is required. For instance, the cashier asks, “Hi, how are you?” and you automatically respond, “Fine, how about you?” Here you listen just enough to know how to respond in a socially sanctioned and appropriate way.

When you’re listening in surface mode, you have little investment in the speaker’s feelings or opinions. You may end up being a surface listener in your relationship for a variety of reasons: distraction, feeling overwhelmed, anger at your partner, and indifference and/or hopelessness about your relationship can all result in surface listening. When you’ve totally forgotten that your wife asked you to pick up milk after the gym, you were probably listening at a surface level (if you were listening at all).

Action-oriented Listening

At this level, you realize that the speaker will require or ask something from you. Here your goal is mainly to follow-through on what is being asked of you. While this level requires more attentive energy than surface listening, you can still be preoccupied and emotionally distant throughout the conversation and come away with the gist of what is being asked of you. When you are flying out the door in the morning and you acknowledge that it’s your turn to pick up the twins from daycare, you’re in the action-oriented mode of listening.

Attentive Listening

In attentive listening, the speaker has gained your genuine interest. Here you are more fully present for your partner and the message sent has an impact on you—either because the person sending the message is important to you or the message itself is of interest. Most — if not all — of your mental energy is given to your spouse/partner when you listen at this level. When you and your partner reach this level of listening, you will share a heightened sense of being heard, understood and valued. These are the ingredients that will allow intimacy to grow.

Empathic Listening

Empathic listening is the deepest form of listening you can achieve. At this level, you leave your own subjective experience and begin to feel what it must be like to be your spouse or partner in a particular moment. Empathic listening requires several skills that must be practiced:

~Full, unencumbered attention to what your spouse/partner is saying and feeling;

~The ability to place your own opinions, issues and agendas on hold;

~Remaining open to the full experience of your partner, even when your typical reactions differ from what your partner is going through.

Empathic listening isn’t always easy to achieve—this mode of listening requires the most from you. It’s impossible to be worrying about tomorrow’s job interview and be empathically present for your partner. Preoccupation is the death-knell of empathic listening. While it may feel like a challenge to reach this level, the benefits to your relationship are well worth the effort. Mutual empathy feeds intimacy and creates a depth of connection that many couples describe as transformative.

Most couples bounce between all these levels of listening and each level has a place in your relationship. Different circumstances require different levels of listening: It isn’t necessary or helpful to move into empathic listening when your husband called to say he’s running late, while surface listening is problematic when your wife is affectionately and sincerely saying, “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” Knowing which level of listening is required is both an art and a skill.

When your partner approaches you with something that is clearly important to him/her, you should work toward attentive and empathic levels of listening.

The challenge for you is to work on your attentive and empathic listening skills (even if you’re convinced that your partner is perpetually stuck at the surface or action-oriented level). Whether you choose to work on your listening skills alone or with your spouse/partner, remember that all skills require effort and persistence before they become a habit.

To discover other ways to create a deeper, more intimate relationship visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue…before your arguments control you.”

After the story broke that New York governor Eliot Spitzer was having sex with prostitutes, relationship experts popped up on every news channel, dispensing theories about Mr. Spitzer’s behavior. Opinions about why a married man (and one with a great deal to lose) would behave this way ranged from him having unmet needs to sociopathic tendencies. One expert even suggested that “men are ruled by their genitals.” In all the analyses of this scandal, though, what no one brought up was the role of secrets.

The truth is we’re never going to know why the ex-governor did what he did. But the reality is that Mr. and Mrs. Spitzer are not alone in having to deal with the devastating effects of an extra-marital affair. It is estimated that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will be unfaithful at some point in their marriage.

In my therapy practice I’ve worked with both men and women who were unfaithful, and many who were on the verge of starting an affair. There are many reasons why someone makes the decision to cheat on their spouse or partner–one often overlooked dynamic has to do with the power and lure of living in a secretive world.

The Power of Secrets

Some people are drawn to the idea of keeping secrets. Whether the secret involves an extra-marital affair, gambling, shopping, or alcohol/drugs, keeping a secret seems to hold a special meaning for the secret-holder, beyond the content of what is kept hidden. For obvious reasons, secrets spell big trouble for your marriage or relationship.

True intimacy cannot exist when you build walls of secrecy around each other.

Let’s look at five reasons you might keep secrets from your partner (or vice versa):

1. The Secret as an escape

Here the secret acts as an escape hatch from a mundane or distressing reality that you feel little control over. People who feel trapped in painful marriages are vulnerable to creating a secret life that promises relief from the heartache of a deteriorating relationship. For some, the secret might involve emotional infidelity; others might have a physical affair. The secretive relationship can exist for many years alongside one’s marriage or the affair can act as catalyst to leaving an unwanted relationship.

2. The Secret as a source of energy

The function of this type of secret is similar to escapism but the emphasis is on the charged energy you feel when you enter into the secretive world. The secret is seen as offering a much-needed adrenaline boost to a lackluster life. One client who had a gambling addiction (that was kept hidden from his family) described how his secretive life made him feel “alive” in ways that eluded him in his day-to- day life. People who remain overly repressed and constrained in their relationships (and in general) are prone to this type of secret.

3. The Secret as affirmation of your disowned self

Typically, people behave differently in their secretive world: The individual who feels stepped-on in his life seeks omnipotence; the high powered executive who bullied his/her way to the top becomes helplessly submissive; the dutiful, and highly ethical husband is transformed into the bad, punishable child. When deep- seated fears of rejection and shame block you from bringing all of yourself into your marriage or relationship, secrets become a powerful way to express these disowned (polar-opposite) parts of yourself.

4. The Secret as an avoidance of intimacy

For many, emotional intimacy is the life energy that makes them feel alive and whole; but for others, a deep connection to another becomes a strait jacket to be avoided–fear of intimacy is a reality for many couples. When you struggle with fears of intimacy, you struggle to maintain your autonomy, while also attempting to give of yourself emotionally. This is a balancing act that does not come easy. When intimacy is being avoided, the creation of a secretive life acts as a possession, a line drawn in the sand that delineates you from your partner or spouse.

5. The Secret as a means of control/power

In a sense, all secrets give you a greater sense of control. At lease initially. This usually changes at some point, as your secretive life spirals out of control–which is often the case when you try to hold onto secrets while being in an intimate relationship. But for some, their secrets are designed to act as a means of power over their spouse–a way of controlling something, anything, that their partner cannot have access to. The importance of this secret is that you gain a sense of control over your partner by maintaining a secretive existence.

The need to keep secrets originates out of an early need to protect yourself. When a relationship (or some aspect of a relationship) becomes intolerable to a child, s/he begins to retreat, hiding within the protective world of secrets. A child who has been emotionally injured learns to count on the reliability and safety of secrets.

The challenge for all of us is to create a relationship that feels safe, a union that allows a deep and rich sharing of ourselves. When our hard work and commitment pays off in the form of a mutual haven of intimacy and respect, the heavy curtain of secrecy will lift, allowing a true connection to flourish.

To receive tips on building deeper intimacy and a stronger relationship, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

A recent marketing book I read touted the importance of getting potential clients to “know you, like you and trust you.” It seems that marketing and romance have more in common than meets the eye: In the world of marketing you’re trying to convince someone your product or service is worthwhile; in the world of romance you’re trying to do the same for yourself.

If you and your partner didn’t like each other, your relationship probably wouldn’t have survived for any significant length of time.

The importance of LIKE in your marriage or relationship

Adults seem to focus more on the experience of the love than like. It’s implied that if you are heading down the path of love, you already like the person–though at some point you can love someone yet dislike them (ask the parent of many a teenage child, for example).

Does your spouse or partner still like you?

Although it might not be the stuff of Hollywood movies, falling in like (and out of like) is an important part of your romantic journey. Couples who get into trouble fall out of like long before they fall out of love–often without realizing it. For some reason, the importance of liking one another is overlooked once love takes over the romantic landscape—this is a significant relationship faux pas.

You can still love your partner while having momentary lapses in like–couples argue and fight all the time (and rarely like each other in these moments), but at the end of the day love and commitment remains intact. As one wife recently said to her husband during a counseling session, “You’re lucky I love you, because right now I can’t stand you!”

But you shouldn’t be fooled into thinking that love is all you need—It’s just as important that you and your partner like each other (most of the time, anyway). When like totally vanishes, the safety net of love is in danger of eroding. Momentary lapses in liking your partner is one thing, falling out of like is a different ball game.

Take the Necessary Steps to Keep Like Alive

When couples are first dating, they make it a habit to put their best foot forward. These efforts are directed toward increasing their likeability factor. Just think back for a moment when you were first dating your partner/spouse. Even if you both had a natural, magnetic chemistry, you probably didn’t just rely on this mystical attraction. I’m betting you exerted extra effort to get your partner to like you.

Do you continue to act in ways that make you likeable?

People often choose their friends because they like them. When you like another person, the relationship remains interesting and fun. Liking someone brings out the best in you. It’s human nature to distance yourself physically and emotionally from someone you don’t like. Time and time again I hear couples talk about feeling trapped in their relationship—still in love and committed to one another, but they don’t find things to like about each other anymore. When this occurs, they begin to close themselves off emotionally from each other.

What have you done recently to prevent this from happening to your relationship?

How can you make liking each other as much of a priority as loving each other?

Think of it this way: If you don’t like someone, what’s the point of waiting around for love to strike? And this is applicable to people already in loving relationships: don’t let love become a type of blind loyalty for you. Remember all the things you first liked about your partner (before you began loving him/her). Celebrate those things regularly so you can keep like alive in your marriage or relationship. This provides the dual benefit of keeping your partner a unique individual in your eyes, as well as strengthening the love between you.

To discover more relationship tips, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

It’s natural to enter a long-term relationship with expectations. And one expectation most of us have is that our spouse or partner will remain relatively healthy. Although wedding vows ask us to consider the possibility of sickness, we don’t automatically assume our loved ones will suffer a serious illness.

“I felt blindsided by the diagnosis. So much of our relationship changed from that point on. There’s no way to prepare for it because you never think it’s going to happen to you. It felt like it came out of nowhere.” ~Jennifer, whose husband Dan was diagnosed with leukemia at age 37

When Illness Hits Home

The reality is that many couples must learn to cope and adjust to a life-altering illness. Understanding the impact this can have on your relationship can help you adjust and adapt to such an enormous challenge.

Let’s look at some of the ways in which a serious illness can impact you and your marriage/relationship:

1. Coping with a Sense of Loss

Depending on the nature of the illness, the sick partner may change in subtle and, sometimes, profound ways. The relationship that you once relied upon may no longer feel accessible to you.
Adjusting to such a major change can take time, and you may find yourself struggling with feelings of anger, despair and depression. It’s common to feel anger toward the person who has the illness (which then may cause you to feel guilty). This is all part of grieving the loss of what
once was the foundation of your relationship and life.

2. The Impact of Shifting Roles

We all play different roles in our relationships. And very often we end up with someone whose preferred role complements our own. For instance, someone who is timid and insecure may find him/herself with a partner who exudes confidence; someone who is highly emotional and spontaneous might be drawn to a more rational-minded planner; the natural caregiver may feel most at home with a partner who longs for this type of attention; and so on.

An illness can abruptly alter these roles and tip the balance that once grounded your relationship. The confident, take-charge person may now find him/herself in an overly dependent position; the rational-minded planner may have to relinquish control; and the caregiver may now need to be cared for. Such changes can rock the foundation of your union by forcing you to assume roles that are alien to what you’ve known most of your life.

3. Coping with Uncertainty

We all like to believe we’re in control of our lives. When faced with a significant illness, however, the idea of absolute control is revealed as an illusion. Questions you never before considered now become routine: Is s/he going to be OK? What’s going to happen to us? What should I do?
And when an illness interferes with one’s ability to work, financial uncertainty can now take center stage-fear and anxiety are common as the once secure areas of your life give way to uncertainty.

4. Letting Go of Guilt

Sam began feeling guilty when he finally started spending time with friends and found himself enjoying time away from his wife more than a year and a half after she became ill. During his wife’s rehabilitation, Sam rarely did anything for himself. As he described, “I had to come to grips with the fact that she’s sick and I’m healthy. This wasn’t easy. She’s slowed down considerably and I felt bad because I’ve always been so full of life.”

Sam continues to care for his wife when needed, but he has also begun taking care of himself. For a period of time, guilt-inducing thoughts flooded his mind (“How dare you have fun while your wife’s sick?”; “You should be home with her”), but Sam was slowly able to realize that his guilt served no useful purpose. With the support of his minister, Sam was able to let go of his guilt as he began embracing life again.

5. Understanding the sick partner’s emotional reactions

The person struggling with a serious illness is on an emotional rollercoaster. In one moment s/he may be grateful for your help and a moment later s/he may seem to act irrationally, no longer able to keep the fear, anger and despair in check. At times you may end up feeling berated, blamed, pushed away, and marginalized-despite your best efforts to comfort your partner. It’s difficult not to take this personally. For your own sanity, it will be important to remember that you are not responsible for your partner’s reactions and you will need to repeatedly remind yourself of this truth.

Remember that the partner struggling with the illness is adjusting to this traumatic life change and is trying to cope with fear and uncertainty. S/he may not even realize the impact his/her behavior is having on others, including his/her healthy partner. It’s important for you to seek ways to understand your partner’s unpredictable, tumultuous reactions; and it is just as important that you protect yourself from any emotional onslaughts directed at you.

The impact of a significant illness can have a dramatic and unexpected impact on your marriage or relationship. Some couples report that their relationship has become stronger because of an illness, whereas others continue to stumble under considerable stress. Having an understanding of the different ways in which an illness can impact you, your partner and your relationship is an important step in adapting to these painful events.

Would you like to receive free relationship advice each month? Visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

When you sign up you will also receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

Warning: the contents of this article may upset you. In fact, I strongly recommend that you close this page. If you’re like most people, you have a child-like naïveté about romance. I don’t want to spoil that. Sure, you were able to handle the truth about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy (oops, you didn’t know about the tooth fairy? Sorry…), but maybe you’re not ready to learn about love’s painful truths.

Okay, if you’re reading this paragraph, you’re either very curious, stubborn, or downright foolish. I warned you not to read further, so if you continue, do so at your own risk.

Twelve painful truths about love:

1. Love will not make you happy—not in the long run. In fact, it’s never been love’s job to make anyone happy. But for some reason, more and more people enter into relationships thinking that they’ve signed up for a life full of happiness.

2. Love is unpredictable and offers no guarantees. If it’s certainty that you’re after, do yourself (and your partner) a favor and remain in the dugout. When you’ve entered the game of love, you’ve gambled—like it or not. There’s no way around this truth.

3. Love is not enough to keep your relationship healthy and running smoothly. Although the Beatles announced that all we need is love, the truth is they were wrong. (And just for the record, love didn’t prevent John, Paul, George and Ringo from ending up divorced.)

4. You can love someone and not like them. Life can be pretty unpleasant living with someone you love but don’t like. For some reason, couples stop behaving in ways that maintain their likeability factor. Big mistake.

5. Love doesn’t keep passion alive—passion keeps passion alive. If you don’t nurture romance and eroticism, you’ll end up in the land of platonic love. While this might work for some, many unhappily deny their need for sex in order to preserve their relationship.

6. You can feel lonely and still be in love. This painful truth often results from a lack of trust or an inability to take the risk of sharing all of yourself with your partner. People who feel lonely are vulnerable to looking outside their relationship for what’s missing (ironically, this pattern of loneliness can follow you from relationship to relationship).

7. That old adage, “Love is blind” has merit. Your feelings (and your desire to be in love) can obscure certain painful truths about your partner, especially in the beginning of the relationship. Rather than appropriately dealing with the shortcomings of your relationship as they arise, your myopic love-vision may allow problems to fester and grow, and before you know it, love is a thing of the past.

8. Even within committed, stable relationships, love can be imbalanced and inconstant. You may find that you love or need your partner more than s/he loves or needs you. And at other times the reverse might be true. Because humans are dynamic, evolving creatures, the love they feel for each other is also subject to change over time.

9. Love involves a fall from grace. People often enter relationships with unrealistic expectations and ideals that have more to do with a Hollywood script than real life. If love guided you into the arms of your partner, it’s up to you to toss the Hollywood script and prepare for the day-to-day work needed for love to survive.

10. Being in love can hurt. Loving the wrong person hurts even more. Here’s the irony: if you want to receive the gifts of intimacy, you must humbly stand at love’s door without the protective armor that has shielded you throughout your single life. When you take this risk, the joys and wonders of life intensify—and, sometimes, so do life’s sorrows.

11. For some reason, love doesn’t prevent ruts, arguments, or unreasonableness. If you forget this truth, you are less likely to remain committed to each other through the inevitable downturns that all relationships travel.

12. The love you feel may not last. This is especially the case when couples fail to give their relationship the attention and effort needed to keep it healthy. Because of the euphoria that accompanies new love, you might falsely assume that your relationship is immune to the struggles others face. The reality is, all relationships (even yours) are vulnerable and can buckle under stress.

There you have it, some unattractive truths about love. Are you still willing to step up to the plate and enter the game of love? If you’re like most, you probably answered “yes” to this question. Despite all the risks, people love being in love. If you’re the type of person who idealizes love, keep this list handy and refer back to it just in case you need a dose of reality.

To discover relationship tips to help you build a lasting relationship, visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

If it’s the season to be jolly…

…then why am I seeing so many stressed, beleaguered couples walking around? Is it more apt to say, ‘Tis the season to feel tense, frustrated and constantly on the go?  Whether you’re feeling totally overwhelmed or slightly frustrated, it’s easy to lose perspective about what’s most important and valuable to you during this holiday season–your marriage or relationship.

You might think that plasma TV you’re getting ready to buy is the perfect way to celebrate your relationship, but — no matter how crisp and clear the picture is — it won’t strengthen your union or bring you and your partner long-lasting fulfillment.

The gift of you–your marriage, your relationship

kay, so you’ve exchanged the gifts that you and your partner have been hinting at for the last six weeks.  You expressed gratitude (or, if the gift missed the mark, confusion), said “I love you,” and cleaned up the wrapping paper. Does your idea of giving end at this point? Does exchanging material gifts feel like a complete celebration of love and your relationship?

Developing non-material rituals to express your love and appreciation is a powerful way to celebrate your relationship throughout the holiday season (and throughout the year). How you express your gratitude for your partner should be a reflection of his/her uniqueness and the meaning s/he holds for you. Be thoughtful and creative.

One couple I worked with developed an “appreciation ritual.” Each wrote on an index card one thing they loved about the other.  As a holiday gift they committed to exchanging a card per week for an entire year. They had to think of fifty-two ways to communicate love, admiration and respect for one another. This gift had the benefit of nurturing intimacy throughout the year.

Here’s a question that will help you put your relationship above all material items.  Ask yourself this question throughout the holiday season, and share it with your partner:

“In this time of giving, how will you create lasting opportunities to express your appreciation of your partner and the relationship that you’ve both created?”

When you’re busy crossing off items on your shopping list, go back to that question and give it (and therefore your relationship) the attention it deserves.

Do you want to receive expert marriage and relationship advice each month?

Visit the Relationship Toolbox Newsletter and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE  Newsletter.

As a bonus you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level?

Discover what the Healthy Relationship Program workbook series can do for your relationship.

Intimacy is a lot like trying to get warm on a cold winter night. You wrap yourself up in your favorite blankets and settle in for sleep, but at some point overnight you may feel too warm and constrained by the blankets. So you disentangle yourself and push the blankets away. But after a few hours you feel chilled again. So you grope for the discarded blankets and wrap them around you again, basking in the warmth and security they bring…that is, until you feel too warm once more…

Fear of intimacy

The term “fear of intimacy” is often used to describe someone who has difficulty creating and maintaining a close connection to his/her partner. The phrase highlights a person’s struggle to become physically and/or emotionally close and we often describe this struggle as a fear. However, this general term can’t fully explain what lies behind one’s struggle with intimacy.

Let’s take a closer look at three ways a fear of intimacy can manifest in your marriage or relationship.

1. Intolerance for closeness–physical and emotional.

For some, a more accurate description would be an intolerance of intimacy. You may have a desire for intimacy yet at the same time have a strong, negative physical reaction to deeper levels of connection. It’s as if your body’s intimacy-thermostat is set to avoidance or withdrawal mode whenever a certain level of intimacy occurs. People who have this reaction may feel confused by it and not fully aware that it is happening.

Overcoming a fear of intimacy that stems from adverse physical reactions:

The roots of this reaction often (but not always) stem from the disruptions of intimacy (i.e., neglectful or intrusive parenting) in childhood. When this is the case in your history, the goal for you will be to learn how your body reacts to emotional and physical intimacy. (Be sure to suspend self-criticism while monitoring your reactions.) Once you become aware of your bodily cues, you can use relaxation exercises as a way to recondition your body so that you can accept the deeper levels of connection offered by your partner.

2. Gender role constrictions

Society and culture create powerful rules for how men and women relate to each other. Female/male stereotypes have a potent influence on what you feel are acceptable ways to experience and express intimacy. Often these gender roles function behind the scenes in your relationship, at times guiding you and your partner. However, they can frequently serve as a strait-jacket, limiting the level of intimacy allowed in your relationship–the influence of gender role constrictions frequently attribute to one’s fear of intimacy.

Societal and cultural rules may work well for you and your partner, but at times they can adversely restrict the ways in which you and your partner relate to one another. For instance, some cultures send the message that men shouldn’t experience feelings that make them feel vulnerable, while women receive the message that the assertion of their needs is unfeminine.

Overcoming a fear of intimacy based on gender stereotypes:

Questioning the assumptions that lie behind gender-role stereotypes is the first step toward loosening the restrictions that accompany these assumptions. Here are a few questions to get you started:

Do you feel that societal and cultural gender role stereotypes are holding you (or your partner) back in your relationship? If so, take some time to journal the ways in which female/male stereotypes are blocking your marriage or relationship from reaching its full potential.

Can you discuss this with your partner and develop a mutual plan to overcome any gender restrictions that may exist in your marriage or relationship?

3. Family role models

Most educational systems do not teach you how to create and maintain a long-term, intimate relationship. Often learning occurs by trial and error–and for better or worse, most of us learn by observing the relationships that surrounded us throughout our formative years. You learned by observing how your caregivers related to one another (and to others), as well as how the important adults in your life related to you.

The long arm of your childhood family role models can create powerful expectations and beliefs that negatively influence your view of relationships and intimacy. Problems arise when your partner’s need for intimacy differs from the role models you’ve internalized.

Overcoming a fear of intimacy caused by relationship role-models:

Becoming mindful of your (and your partner’s) beliefs that inhibit emotional and physical intimacy can help you clarify any conflicting attitudes that the two of you might hold about intimacy. Often couples misinterpret their differing expectations as a fear of intimacy.

What expectations do you hold about emotional and physical intimacy?

How do you believe intimacy is best created in your relationship? Is this view consistent with your partner’s?

Do you hold any beliefs from your family-of-origin that negatively impact your ability to create a close bond with your partner?

Use these questions (and others you might think of) to start a dialogue with your partner about how to take the steps necessary to begin increasing the intimacy in your relationship.

Like that blanket that can keep you warm one moment and feel constraining the next, over the course of your relationship you will need to adjust the level of intimacy depending on the type and degree of closeness that feels most comfortable to you. If you (or your partner) frequently cast the blankets of intimacy aside, it may be a sign that an underlying fear of intimacy is at work. If so, take the steps to examine what lies behind your fear of intimacy and you will be on your way to creating a deeper, more fulfilling connection with your spouse or partner.

To discover other ways to create a deeper, more intimate relationship visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue…before your arguments control you.”

Anyone who is married or in a long-term committed relationship comes to realize that at some point there is a danger of falling into a lifeless routine.  The vast number of marriage advice and relationship help books is a clear indication that couples are eagerly searching for ways to head off relationship problems and keep their relationship running on all cylinders.

Are marriage problems and painful relationship issues always inevitable?

Absolutely not—there are steps you can take today to prevent marital problems from taking hold and these steps can also help improve an already strong relationship.

Relationship help: 5 steps to a stronger relationship

1. Don’t let frustrations mount

Fact:  You’re going to get frustrated with your spouse/partner from time to time– you’re only human, after all.

Trap to avoid: Too many couples let frustrations mount without clearing the air and addressing important issues. Unresolved issues have the tendency to fester and lead to bigger relationship problems—don’t put your head in the sand and assume your marriage or relationship will take care of itself.

2. Validate each other

Fact: As your life becomes more and more hectic, it’s easy to overlook each other.

Trap to avoid: Becoming temporarily preoccupied with competing commitments is one thing, taking the most important person in your life for granted is an entirely different ball game. Make an effort to check in with one another each day. Share the little things with your partner like you used to (when you first fell in love).

3. Don’t let the negatives outweigh the positives

Fact: Conflicts and negative relationship patterns have a way of spiraling out of control if left unchecked

Trap to avoid: Research shows that for your relationship to remain healthy, there must be a greater number of positive interactions between you and your partner than negative ones. Make an effort to acknowledge and highlight any positives that occur between each other—and heap on the gratitude for the little things your partner does for you each day.

4. Make the effort to break up lifeless routines

Fact: Your relationship will fall into predictable patterns and routines.

Trap to avoid: Routines aren’t inherently troublesome; in fact, many couples take comfort in their routines. However, continuously feeling bored and unenthusiastic about the time you spend together is a concern. If this is the case, the routines that once brought you comfort may be squeezing the life out of your marriage or relationship.  You and your partner need to periodically infuse novelty into the relationship—stir things up by trying something new and exciting.

5.  Find balance in your life

Fact: Taking care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually will help you be a better spouse/partner.

Trap to avoid: There are many different forms of self-neglect (working too much, repeatedly ignoring signs that you’re not feeling well, consuming too much alcohol, not getting enough sleep…) that will adversely impact your ability to be a present, reliable and responsive spouse/partner. If you stop taking care of yourself, there will always be negative fallout for the people around you, especially the people who love you. Commit to taking care of yourself so you have the emotional reserves for yourself and the important people in your life.

If the idea of implementing all of these steps into your relationship feels too daunting, pick one or two and stay with them. Each one can make a positive impact on your relationship. And if your spouse/partner is open to it, share this list and make a mutual plan to incorporate these ideas into your daily lives.

Do you want to receive powerful relationship tips each month?

Visit the Relationship Toolbox Newsletter and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE  Newsletter.

As a bonus you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

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When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl

You don’t need me to tell you about the dire state of the American economy and the reverberations being felt around the world. While you’re probably well aware of how this is directly impacting your bank account, home value, and nest egg, there is a <i>hidden casualty</i> that doesn’t seem to be getting any press:

Marriages and relationships are buckling under the stress of these uncertain, stressful economic times.

Money is a sensitive and complicated issue for many couples. Arguments and power struggles can easily result and couples often feel blindsided by how a once strong relationship can be pulled apart by conflicts over finances. Here are five steps you can take to help your relationship survive this economic crisis.

1. Make the decision to keep your relationship a priority

It is easy to lose sight of the importance of your relationship during tough economic times (or during any stressful period). Many loving couples lose their way when worries about job security and money begin to take center stage in their relationship-intimacy is temporarily compromised when you or your partner become overwhelmed by fear; the very bond that supports your union can be weakened when your fears become a mainstay of your relationship.

Becoming conscious of this danger is essential to the health of your marriage or relationship. Make it a habit to check in with each other and acknowledge the importance of your relationship-you both need to make a conscious effort to help your love transcend the hurdles you face. With a little planning you and your partner can create “no-worry-zones” throughout the day–protected moments where you both give one another permission to only think about each other, about the positive aspects of your relationship. Think of these as temporary pit-stops that can allow you both to refuel the relationship.

Remember, if you’re anxious about money and/or job security, it will take effort and practice for you to be fully present with your spouse or partner in these moments.

2. Acknowledge and accept changing roles

We all play different roles in our relationships (and in our lives). For instance, you might be the “go-to person” during times of trouble; or maybe you’re the joker who makes everyone smile.

Often changes in family income bring about changes in the roles that were a natural part of your relationship-the bread-winner who took pride in supporting her/his family may now have to apply for unemployment (or take two jobs just to make ends meet); The full-time parent may now be forced to leave the children in someone else’s care and search for work. Beyond defining us as individuals, many of our assumed roles give particular meaning and value to our lives-and we can feel shaken at our core when stripped of these roles.

Share your struggles with your spouse/partner and supportive others if you are having difficulty transitioning into a new and unwelcome role in your life.

3. Find new ways to connect and enjoy one another

Your income and resources may change drastically during a financial crisis-or you may live with chronic anxiety that your finances can drastically change at any moment. Money that you originally allocated for vacations, dining out, gifts and other leisure activities may suddenly be needed to pay the mortgage or rent, be used for food, and utility bills (or saved for future expenses). Your relationship needs to change with the changing tides of your finances.

The challenge is for you and your partner to seek out new ways to connect and enjoy each other without the constraints of limited finances. You’ll need to adopt a new mindset for this to occur and you’ll each need to sacrifice. As your inspiration think of the starving artist or broke college student who are able to create meaningful relationships despite being financially destitute. Try to forget the trappings that money brings and head back to romance basics: holding hands, long walks, movies, games (is anyone up for charades?), making each other laugh…brainstorm together on how to have inexpensive, low- to no- cost fun.

4. Learn to ask for help/seek support from each other

Denial and stoicism aren’t useful, especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Unfortunately, some couples keep their collective heads in the sand and act like it is business as usual until something drastic happens-well, something pretty drastic is happening, so now may be a good time to get your head out of the sand.

All too often couples don’t share their fears with one another-this is especially the case for men. It’s so common it’s become a cliché: the stoic male who’d rather not talk about his feelings (especially emotions that make him feel helpless and not in control); the male who doesn’t access his partner for support but instead pulls away and attempts to deal with problems by himself, leaving his spouse/partner feeling isolated, confused and alone. And, while this pattern is more typically seen in men, there are women who also withdraw in the face of stress.

There’s no way to sugarcoat this: It’s dangerous for you and your partner to begin withdrawing from each other-you’ll now be faced with the anxiety of a troubled relationship on top of everything that’s playing out across the global economy.

5. Understand how you each cope with stress

Lack of financial security creates anxiety in all of us. As your anxiety level escalates during these uncertain times it becomes easy to displace your reactions to stress onto your partner.

No matter how healthy your relationship or marriage is, it is common for conflict to escalate when you and/or your partner are under stress. Ideally couples will learn to rely on one another to get through the difficult times that are part of every life. The reality, however, is often different.

A brief example of how financial stress negatively affected Vince and Karen:

Vince recently lost his job as a systems analyst at a large insurance company. In order to make ends meet, he needed to find work quickly and took a job making significantly less money. For the first time in their marriage, money was extremely tight. Rather than seek out Karen for support, Vince became more withdrawn and began to feel inadequate as a husband–his self-esteem is tightly wrapped around his ability to support his family. Confused by her husband’s behavior, Karen began to confront Vince about his “bad attitude.” Repeated conflicts replaced the once peaceful terrain of their marriage.

Part of the problem for Vince and Karen (as well as for many couples) is that they each have very different coping styles when faced with stressful life events. Vince withdraws and ruminates (rather than seeking support from others) and this triggers a fear reaction in Karen who begins to worry that their marriage is in trouble.

Is there a solution to this dilemma?

Become mindful of each other’s coping style

Often a marriage or relationship is damaged not by the stress itself, but by the way in which you and your partner cope with stress. The more information you have about how you both deal with the pressures of life (your typical patterns of coping), the more understanding and empathy you will have for one another during relationship rough patches.

Is your relationship worth protecting?

Visit StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”