Nowadays, it is relatively rare to meet someone who is entirely satisfied with his or her selves level of confidence. Interestingly enough though, this can also be true of people who might seem (to the casual observer) to exude great confidence and self esteem – in fact, they can even appear brash or over-confident. Sometimes, this is just a front for the lack of confidence that individual is hiding in an attempt to impress other people.

Developing self confidence is an important skill for personal growth, because a lack of confidence can really hold you back in all areas of your life. First of all, it can manifest itself in a great variety of ways. Many people with poor self confidence and low self esteem tend to stay in unsatisfying careers and relationships because they don’t believe in themselves enough to think that they can do better or have the willpower to raise their standards.

Of course, this can often lead to a self perpetuating problem – if you aren’t happy with what you’re doing and where you are heading in life, you are very unlikely to be working to your full capacity or with enthusiasm. Then on top of that, less than stellar results from your work efforts will reinforce the idea that you are a just a mediocre or poor worker. Your self confidence will naturally suffer as a result. All of us deserve to know what it’s like to work at something we truly love in life and all of us deserve to feel like we can achieve anything we set our minds to.

Some of the more frequent activities that result in poor self confidence are addiction or other self destructive behaviors, such as eating disorders. Most eating disorders, such as anorexia or bulimia, result from a feeling that you are somehow inadequate and that you need to be perfect in order to accept yourself or be accepted. As a result, some young women (who are particularly susceptible to this type of problem) have literally starved themselves to death. Developing self confidence early on is probably the best defense against developing addictions, eating disorders and other problems with self image later on.

Finally, if you have poor self confidence, you are unlikely to be enjoying fulfilling relationships with friends, partners or family. One thing that may happen is that you will end up projecting your negative self-worth onto someone else, often a child. On the other hand, you might also be willing to put up with abusive behavior if your self confidence is poor. All in all, developing self confidence is a way to avoid a whole range of debilitating problems.

Every day the news is filled with horror stories involving women as victims of violent crime. We worry about ourselves and female friends and relatives. While no one can guarantee your personal safety, even in your own home, these self defense tactics can help reduce your chances of becoming a victim of violent crime.

Practice awareness. You must be aware of what’s going on around you at all times. Keep your ears open. Sometimes your ears can hear what your eyes can’t see-behind you and around corners. This won’t work if you have ear buds in! Make frequent visual scans. While this not only helps you to see what’s happening around you, but it gives the impression you have confidence. Which brings us to the next of our self defense tactics:

Appear confident. Hold your head high. Keep your spine straight and shoulders back. Look at people’s faces. Perpetrators are looking for victims with low self esteem (first impression of those starring at the floor) and they tend to steer clear of those who already saw them and can identify them.

Use common sense.This should be a given or it should be first, I’ll compromise and put it in the middle. Don’t go to an unfamiliar place alone, in the dark- and many less extreme examples. Lock your doors, use buddy system, let people know where you are and when you’ll be home, etc. I understand that as independent modern women we shouldn’t  have to report to anyone or restrict our activities because we wish to go alone, but we still need to  apply common sense as a component of our self defense tactics.

Trust your intuition. We are born with “gut instincts”. If, through the years, we haven’t denied and suppressed them these instincts can help us. If you “have a bad feeling” there is probably a reason. Stop if you can and try to figure it out. Is it supernatural? Possibly, or perhaps you saw or heard something in the periphery that don’t consciously register, but caused your mind to send out an alert.

Have a plan. Be prepared to defend yourself if you have to. It’s not enough to know how, verbally or physically. You need to know that you can and will execute the plan if/when the circumstance presents itself. Hopefully you’ll never encounter a self defense situation. A martial art class or a self defense class is an excellent way to get hands-on experience and to understand the actual feel of these techniques with a partner. Just remember, if you freeze-up in real life, the plan is worthless.

Self defense tactics need to become second nature. You don’t want to live in a state of paranoia. Being prepared will help you gain confidence and independence.  

The woman believe it’s her fault The woman’s inability to place the responsibility of the violence elsewhere The woman fears for her life and/or her children’s lives. The woman has the belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.

Women need to know that according to research spousal abuse does not typically stem from a problem with the relationship, but instead begins with the man’s emotional insecurities, low self-esteem and abusive behaviors witnessed in his childhood. There are many reasons a woman would stay in an abusive relationship. Among them: reinforcement during the honeymoon stage after being beaten, loss of self-esteem, women feel they are the peacekeepers in a relationship, adverse financial consequences, Threats from the batterer to kill self or children, learned helplessness. Many of these women still love the abuser even after they leave, by whatever methods. But they must understand that in order for the battering spouse to change he must go through a two step process to get help for his abusiveness. First he must suffer negative consequences for the violent behavior and then he must go through specialized spouse abuse counseling. If drugs or alcohol were involved he must also be treated for the addiction. The batterer must believe and accept these five concepts:

Accept responsibility for the abuse Understand the use of abuse to control partner Understand the level of emotional dependency on the part of the abuser Gain the ability to recognize low levels of anger and to use anger management techniques Have empathy for the victim

Once outside of the abusive relationship a woman can overcome the feelings of inadequacy and helplessness that were brainwashed into her while being in an abusive relationship.

Over the course of my career, I have helped many clients pursue a sense of personal power and emotional health sufficient enough to be safe, strong, and healthy while working through relationships with aggressive and/or abusive partners.  

Generally speaking, these aggressive/abusive partners flourish in relationships in which they are given the power to control a person. To maintain power and control in their relationships, they need to be in relationships with individuals who typically have poor boundaries, low self esteem and who have little to no self confidence (a sense of no personal power). Similarly, codependent or co-addictive individuals fall within the abusive partner’s “radar,” especially when they are an addict.

To retain power and control in the relationship, the abusive partner has to control the relationship in order to create an environment of fear, insecurity, and perceived powerlessness. Consequently, a complicated dynamic of domination and submission is created; one in which power and control is perpetuated by physical, emotional, and/or verbal abuse, or the fear of the recurrence of such abuse.

Being afraid, not feeling like you have the power to stop the abuse, and secretly believing they couldn’t find anyone better (being brainwashed), the victim partner believes they are powerless and therefore, trapped in a perpetual cycle of emotional, verbal, and/or physical violence. The cycle is maintained by frequent episodes of abuse which ultimately “brainwash” the victim partner in believing that they do not have any recourse (or resources) to stop the abuse. The cumulative effects of the cycle of abuse create further feelings of powerlessness, which further immobilizes the victim partner.

Contrary to what most people think, the most common mode of maintaining power and control is not through the use of physical violence. Most abuse is either done emotionally or verbally. Most victims of both physical and emotional/verbal abuse attest that the verbal/emotional wounds are deeper, hurt more, and take longer to heal.

The following list illustrates the tactics that the abusive partner uses to exert power of their victim partner that does not include physical violence.

1. Intimidation
2. Emotional abuse
3. Blaming, denying, and minimization
4. Financial control
5. Isolation
6. Turning their children and/or friends against them
7. Coercion and threats

The victim partner keeps “tied” into the abusive relationship due to their lack of experience and knowledge with relationships based upon mutuality, respect, and fairness. Often, the victim comes from a family in which they either experienced harm or neglect as children or witnessed harm or neglect to one of their parents. Often one or both of their parents were either an abuser or a victim of domestic violence. Therefore, the victim partner gravitates toward what is familiar, or unconsciously reminiscent of what they experienced as children. Although strange and paradoxical: what feels familiar is also seemingly safe.

Individuals, who are assertive or aggressive, bold, and/or edgy, seem to be the partners that the victim partner finds as “attractive.” Although this prospective “attractive” partner seems safe, there are lurking red flags that are, at this point invisible. Likewise, the aggressive person is unconsciously attracted to a kind, forgiving, accommodating, and understanding individual, who they unconsciously recognize as someone they can control and who won’t leave them when there abusive side emerges.

The relationships between these two types of people often start off with a bang: high levels of attraction/infatuation, poor boundaries, and intense and frequent sexual activity. Unfortunately, after the “chemistry” wears off, the unconscious elements come to the surface. The abuser establishes domination and the victim feels trapped and consequently falls prey to a role of passivity, fear, and powerlessness.

The saddest part of this relationship dynamic is that the victim partner unwillingly and unknowingly repeats the same patterns of their parents and their parents-parents– all of whom incorrectly believed love and commitment supersedes respect, fairness, mutuality, and most of all, safety. “Love” is maintained at any cost.

There is help out there for the victims of domestic violence. Therapists like me offer a way out.

For further information: www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence

Domestic Violence Story – Chapter 3

5 police cars, 10 policemen. Searched the vicinity, never found him. When they left, he showed up. He looked at me and started screaming, “Who the hell did this to you!?” I only had one eye to look at him with and disgustingly looked at him while all my friends were there and said, “You did.”

He didn’t believe it. He said he went into a “blackout.” Well, my opinion of whether or not alcoholics actually do go into “blackouts” is neither here nor there. But something happened that was never fully understandable, that’s for certain.

What happened to him? Well, this was a while ago, and California didn’t impose strict standards on domestic violence abuse the way they do today. That’s too bad, isn’t it?

He got 30 days of picking up garbage on the side of the road. BUT, since he had a doctor’s note saying he had a bad back from a car accident, he actually only wound up doing 15 days doing desk duty. He would leave early because the woman running the program said he was a hard worker.

Trying to get a job (remember, I had been laid off) looking beat up was impossible. I didn’t even leave the house for two weeks, and he shut off the phone so I didn’t have anyway to even make phone calls to get a job.

There’s more to the story, but this gives you an idea as to how quickly domestic violence can happen. Or was it quickly?

If you see red flags, get out now while you can. My story doesn’t get happy, and things didn’t get much better, not for quite a while.

I’ll tell you more about my life again soon, but please don’t repeat my mistakes. Because you will end up with a very difficult, unhappy, low self esteem, codependent life like I have lived for far too long.

Trust me, You DO Deserve Better!

God Bless,

Adrienne

P.S. – These pictures were taken 2 weeks after the initial incident. I can tell you this, makeup doesn’t hide these injuries. I went to the supermarket because I had no food, so I tried to look decent. I had two people come up to me and ask to take me to the emergency room and wanted to know who just did this to me. When I told them it happened two weeks ago, they didn’t believe me.

Across the United States and around the world, the effects of the financial crisis continue to spread – foreclosures are widespread, banks are being taken over, stock markets are erratic, credit is frozen and bankruptcies are increasing. No one can predict with certainty the long-term effects on the economy, but most pundits agree that this collapse will not right itself in the near future.

How is all this affecting you? Are you anxious and angry – on the verge of taking out your frustration over the financial news on those around you? Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, this is a good time for you to look inward and reflect on your actions within the family. Only by becoming aware of the potential for abuse can you honestly assess your own behavior.

While a number of factors have been recognized as causes of domestic violence – mental illness, substance abuse, certain innate personality traits, low self-esteem, poor impulse control and a history of being battered – social stressors have been identified as having a particularly strong impact on abusers. Poverty, lack of control and feelings of powerlessness can lead to the perpetrator’s perceived need to dominate family members. And this is linked to increased levels of mistreatment. During the current plummet of world markets, those who abuse are more likely to express their feelings of frustration in more belligerent ways.

Many people who are normally calm are stressed by the financial meltdown and concerned that they are spiraling out of control. If this sounds familiar, you could be emotionally at risk for harming your spouse, children, or elders under your care. If you are worried about your hostile attitude and aggressive behavior, begin to address your own fragility by following these suggestions:

1. Work with a therapist to develop anger management skills and techniques for dealing with disappointment. Within the protective environment of a professional’s office, you can share your hostile feelings, express your anger and then learn how to keep your aggression in check. As you improve communication, using words instead of physicality, you will feel more competent and in control. Psychological treatment will also lead you to insight, and the opportunity to understand the underlying roots of your negative emotions and behavior.

2. Learn stress reduction strategies by attending a seminar, group or yoga class. Contact your local psychological association to find out what other resources are available in your community. Gather information from the Internet or self help books about how to minimize the impact of the financial pressures you are now experiencing.

3. Keep communication open with your spouse, children and aging parents. Talk out disagreements before they become heated arguments that get out of control. Don’t put a lid on your emotions, just on expressing them in an aggressive manner. When conflicts arise, agree to be flexible and cooperative – and work toward reaching a compromise.

4. Ask for help and get support from those around you in order to reduce the stress in your life. See a financial planner to set some goals and make a concrete plan about how to achieve them. Where you can, take action to relieve your worries. When you are not feeling so overwhelmed by your responsibilities and commitments, your negative feelings are not as likely to boil over.

5. Practice relaxation techniques on a daily basis to help manage the tensions you are feeling. Make time to go for a walk, exercise at the gym, listen to soothing music or just put your feet up. Learn deep breathing or guided imagery to help you unwind and settle down.

These times of economic freefall are stressful for everyone. Investors are feeling insecure, not knowing what to expect next. Without a financial safety net, you may feel out of control as credit dries up, your 401K declines and your retirement benefits disappear. It’s not easy to keep your emotions in check but you have a responsibility to learn to control your behavior so that it is not abusive. You owe that to your family – and yourself.

© 2008, Her Mentor Center

When a man loves a woman he expresses it in various ways; the ultimate expression of his feelings of love would be the physical act of love making. When this same physical act of love is turned on its head and used as a weapon to express hate, it speaks for the extreme depths a human being is capable of descending to.

Rape is forced sexual activity against the victim’s wishes. It is the ultimate violence committed against a woman-body and soul. It is unheard of in the animal world and this fact should call for a re-think of what constitutes civilized society.

In the context of domestic violence, sexual assault assumes various connotations. Where power and control is solely in the hands of an individual and there is no bilateral give and take, chances are that the needs and desires of the one in control would be predominant at the cost of the other.

Often the victim’s wishes are totally disregarded, and her body exploited for whatever gratification the abuser is at that moment bent on extracting. The domestic violence victim’s body can be used for revenge, humiliating, intimidating and even downright abusing, depending on how demented the abuser is at the moment. This is his ultimate stance of power.

With this dehumanizing act, the offender hopes to gain total control over his victim, and this is meant to compensate for the obvious weaknesses that is riddled within himself, mental and emotionally. Their often over-inflated sense of ego is a façade for their extremely low self-esteem. When they fear their fragile façade is threatened, they can act very aggressively and resort to extreme violence in order to re-inforce their false sense of the self.

Some abusers are also emotionally inept in their capacity to feel any empathy for their victims. They are unable to, or refuse to acknowledge the feelings of physical hurt and mental agony suffered by the victims. Any pain their actions might cause is immediately blamed on the victim as having caused it all by herself.

Within marriage, rape is often not given the importance it deserves. There is the terrible misconception even in the higher echelons of society that, once married the man has every right to impose himself on his wife and it is the wife’s duty to let the man exercise his conjugal rights.

Data on domestic violence reveal that victims suffer terrible psychological and emotional trauma after such episodes. They live in terror and there is a constant re-living of the pain and the suffering. There is also a heightened feeling of insecurity which makes them feel helpless and frustrated. Anxiety disorders such as post traumatic stress disorders, depression, and panic attacks are quite common among such victims. Domestic violence counselors have to work quite hard to help such victims. Many are suicidal and lose all desire to rehabilitate themselves.

But then there are the exceptionally strong women who not only succeed in rising up out of the ashes, but also go on to help other victims in similar situations. Since they have been through the same torture, they appear more genuine and understanding as far as the victims are concerned, and they find it easier to reach out for help. Their stories of how they overcame the effects of domestic violence, inspire victims to rebuild their lives and hold out hope for a better future.

Please feel free to leave a comment to let me know if this article helped you, or what other topics you would like to see on the site. I started this site to help others, so I want to make sure you are getting the most from it. God Bless.

Domestic violence is one of the most serious issues that affects the lives of millions of people in the world. Though women are the most commonly abused group, men are also abused by their partners. But women form the majority of those being abused. What kind of a person abuses his/her partner? Why the abuse? What does the abuser get out of this? These are some of the questions that can be discussed to profile people who may indulge in abuse. Let us discuss.

An abuser is a person of low self-esteem. The abuser has no respect for a human being and no compassion for a human life. I do not know if any relationship is found between those who abuse humans and those who abuse animals, but this can be debated. What does the abuser get? The abuser desires control over another person. The abuser does not want another person to criticize his/her actions and thoughts. The abuser invariably blames the abused for provoking them in to abusing. After that they promise that they would not abuse again, but they repeat the abuse after some days. For the abused, this becomes a difficult to decipher pattern. It must be also hurting the healthy mind of the abused and making it difficult for them to make correct judgment.

The abuser may behave perfectly in the society and it becomes difficult to guess that they are abusers. It must be giving them some evil pleasure. The abusers may blame their habit of drinking, smoking or something else to protect themselves, but that is not so. All these habits do not make them abuse. They go along with the abuse. To understand the psychology of an abuser we have to understand the psychology of an evil person. Abusers are nothing but evil persons who wreck other lives.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” -Eleanor Roosevelt

There are many levels of abuse. When people think of abusive relationships they often associate them with some kind of physical abuse. Although physical abuse is one of the worst forms of an abusive relationship, abuse does not have to by physical, it comes in many disguises.

The different types of abusive relationships range from emotional, verbal, mental, sexual and physical or any combination of these. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship and you are trying to figure a way to get out, you need to proceed very carefully.

Some of the warning signs are:

* They blame you for everything, especially their anger or jealousy

* They are violent or they threaten you

* They control where you go, who you see and when

* They isolate you from all or most activities and friends

* They have bouts of uncontrollable emotional outbreaks

* They demean you, humiliate you, insult you, or embarrass you

* They make you feel insignificant and scared * They force you to do things sexually

* They make you feel terrible about yourself

* You cause all the problems and they cause none of them

* And on and on

If you recognize any of these signs in your relationship you will do one of two things. You will either make excuses or rationalize these behaviors or, you will gather your wits about yourself and do whatever it takes to protect yourself and get out.

Many victims of abuse are already dealing with low self-esteem and the abuser preys on this weakness to further belittle the victim so they won’t have the courage or strength to go anywhere.

It’s vital that you acknowledge that you are being abused before you can take the necessary steps to help yourself. If you are trying to convince yourself that “it doesn’t happen that often” or “he really didn’t mean it,” you are in for a rude awakening not to mention a lifetime of heartache and pain.

Just because the abuse may be cyclical doesn’t mean that you aren’t being abused and most times it will only escalate in the future to something you may not be able to handle.

A critical factor in protecting yourself is: the sooner you leave an abuser the better off you will be, because the longer you hang in there the more difficult and more dangerous the situation can become.

If you are wondering if you are in an abusive relationship all of the signs are there staring you in the face, all you have to do is open your eyes and begin to tell yourself the truth.

If you choose to ignore the reality of the situation you are in be prepared to pay the consequences of living a life of misery. You will be a prisoner in this relationship.

It pains me to even touch upon this next segment but, if you are in an abusive relationship and you are exposing children to this kind of a life, you too are an abuser!

It is your responsibility to protect and nurture your children. By exposing them to this kind of upbringing is not only detrimental to their well being, it totally skews their perception of how to have a healthy, loving relationship.

As they grow up you will be teaching them exactly how to be an abuser or how to be abused!

So, even if you are in the mental trap of believing you deserve this kind of behavior; your children certainly don’t!

Begin today and decide whether you are going to remain a victim in an abusive relationship or take the steps to free yourself to live the kind of life you really desire.

You have the power within you to do the thing you think you can’t.

Side note: If you are in a precarious situation and need to secretly devise a plan to leave. Call a Domestic Abuse Helpline.