Domestic violence is a serious problem in our society. No one has the right to intentionally inflict harm upon another person. Domestic violence is any type of abusive behavior by one partner that attempts to manipulate, dominate, and gain and maintain control over the other partner. Abuse can occur in any type of relationship such as heterosexual couples, gay and lesbian couples, common law relationships, new relationships, dating relationships, and long term relationships. Abuse takes place in all communities, ages, social classes, and cultures.

There are many forms of domestic violence that include: physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, social control, and financial control. Domestic violence can take many forms including physical violence, sexual assault, emotional abuse, or social or financial control.

Domestic abuse does not have to be physical or sexual to be considered domestic violence. No form of abuse is acceptable. The following details the types of abuse that should be reported

Physical abuse: This type of violence results in physical harm. The abuser will engage in such behavior as punching, strangling, slapping, hitting, pushing. They may also break household items and even damage walls and doors,

Emotional abuse: This type of abuse takes place when a partner uses abusive words to maintain control. The victim will be afraid to speak out because of the fear of retaliation by the abuser. The victim will often be depressed and have no self esteem. Threats abusers will make include: threatening to kill the partner and/or family members, threatening to take his or her own life, threaten to hurt the children or pets, and constantly calling the partner names and yelling and criticizing them.

Social abuse: This type of abuse involves a partner trying to control the other partner’s social and financial life. It can include: keeping them in the house by taking away their vehicle and money, disconnecting the phone, keeping them away from family and friends, locking them in a room, keeping them from attending community activities such as Church or parent/teacher sessions at their children’s school, and fighting with family and friends. They may also take control of the bank accounts and paying the bills.

Stalking; This type of behavior involves one partner harassing the other partner. It can be in the form of following them to school, work, or to a social event. They may stand outside and watch them. They will also constantly call and email. They may also try to contact them through coworkers, friends, and family.

Cyberstalking: This abuse takes place using the internet and email technology to stalk a person. It is a deliberate and persistent method of contacting a person. The messages are usually disturbing and threatening.

Sexual abuse: This type of abuse takes place when a partner forces the other partner to engage in uncomfortable sexual activities. Types of abuse include: making them have sex when they don’t want to, making them have sex with other people, engaging in sexual activities that are painful and demeaning, and rape.

Spiritual Abuse: This form of abuse involves one person using religious beliefs to manipulate and control a partner. They may use religion to force a partner to live a certain way. They may force their children to practice their beliefs and they may ridicule or belittle a partner’s beliefs.

The worst outcome of a domestic violence partnership is the death of a partner. Domestic murder is very common throughout the world. Without help or intervention, the risk of death becomes greatly increased. If you know someone who is the victim of abuse or if you are an abuse victim, it is important to contact the proper authorities for help. Love is not supposed to hurt.

If I asked you who your best friend is, many of you would point to your spouse or partner. Close friends share a strong emotional bond, enjoy spending time with each other and often have a lot in common. However, there are important elements of a romantic relationship that set it apart from a just-friends relationship–passion, sensuality, and physical attraction.

Unfortunately, in many long-term relationships, passion wanes as the years pass and the couple begins behaving more like close friends than romantic partners.

Sexual desire fluctuates throughout the life of a relationship

Every individual is different, which means that every couple is different. Take this one step further and it’s clear that every couple has different levels of sexual desire. Despite the urge to compare ourselves to others as we search for the ideal “times per week,” the fact is there is no magic number because a couple’s sexuality is intensely personal and completely unique to the couple.

You’re in very good company if the quantity and quality of sex fluctuates in your marriage or relationship. Many couples report steady declines as the years march on, others experience periods of little physical intimacy intermixed with sporadic increases in sex. Couples have different sexual rhythms.

Despite these natural fluctuations, there are mindsets that can creep into your relationship and negatively impact your attempts to keep passion alive. Be aware of them and you put yourself on the road toward a more fulfilling sex life with your partner.

The four mindsets that can destroy passion:

1. You believe that sex is separate from other parts of your relationship.

A relationship truism couples often forget: How you treat your partner outside the bedroom affects what happens inside the bedroom. If your partner perceives you as indifferent or judgmental, it shouldn’t be a surprise when you hear “I’m really not in the mood tonight.”

The seeds of passion are set outside the bedroom–nurture the emotional connection of your relationship and you’ll nurture passion.

2. You’re waiting for spontaneous sex to occur.

Please ignore the Hollywood movies that show couples knocking over every pot and pan in the kitchen (even pot and pans filled with ready-to-eat gourmet food) as they’re overcome with desire and cannot wait to get to the bedroom to have sex. Spontaneous sexual combustion might have occurred when you and your partner were first dating, but for couples who survive past the two-year mark, life’s spontaneous happenings are more likely to involve heartburn and indigestion than sex.

You need to plan for romantic moments, thereby creating them. Even if, over breakfast, you can’t imagine yourself being in the mood later in the evening, if you set aside a time and create a romantic space, you might later surprise yourself when you become aroused.

Don’t be passive about passion–successful couples work on creating passion.

3. You believe sex is mainly physical.

Sex is psychological, emotional and physical. For many, the road to great sex starts in their mind. You’ve probably heard the adage: “The most powerful sex organ is between the ears.” Your imagination and fantasy life can be a great aphrodisiac. For this to occur, you and your partner need to openly communicate about your sexual desires and interests.

Feedback and discussions about what works and doesn’t work in the bedroom will pave the way to a more fulfilling sex life.

4. You still believe in “the quickie.”

Nothing kills passion like a hurried atmosphere. You’re not a teenager any longer, translated: Your body and libido have slowed down a bit since raging sex hormones were the new kids on the block. Do you warm up before exercising? Do you let your car idle before heading off to work in the morning? You and your partner may have different warm-up times before feeling ready for sex–respect these differences and take it slow.

Give passion the time it deserves.

While you might not be able to recapture the sexual glory days of a new relationship, you (and your partner) can take the steps necessary to resuscitate romance and keep passion alive. Awareness of the above four mindsets is an important first step in reversing the toll the years often take on passionate relationships.

To discover other tips about how to build a more loving, passionate relationship, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s Relationship Toolbox Newsletter. As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports, “The Four Mindsets that Can Topple Your Relationship” and “Relationship Self-defense: Control How You Argue Before Your Arguments Control You.”

Q: I love my husband, but somewhere along the line we’ve become more like friends than lovers. We had an amazing sex life early in our relationship but now we’re lucky if we have sex once a month, and when we do it’s pretty unremarkable. I really enjoy sex and I’d like to make it a regular part of our life again. Any suggestions?

A: First of all, you need to take solace in the fact that you’re not alone with this problem. Most couples in long-term relationships note a marked reduction in the quantity and quality of sex as the years progress. When you’re wrapped up in the heady euphoria of a new relationship, it’s hard to imagine that the grinding reality of daily life can ever dampen sexual desire, but, voila! Here you are, years later, juggling kids and a mortgage and a new career, and sex just isn’t a priority. And the first step in rejuvenating a lackluster sex life is the awareness of this natural ebb and flow.

Providing there aren’t medical reasons for your dwindling sex life (if you’re not sure, have a doctor check you out), there are some simple ideas you can incorporate into your life now that can help you and your partner resuscitate your sexual desire:

1. Prioritize sex.

Both partners need to make a commitment to nurture the physical aspect of the relationship. It’s a big step to acknowledge that you’ve been neglecting passion. But once you do, you can begin having the discussions that will get you thinking about sex and eventually bumping it up on your list of priorities. There is no shame in saying, “Hey, we got caught up in life and left something behind that we really miss. Let’s agree to openly and honestly work on this together.”

2. Plan for sex.

Once you’ve both agreed to make sex a priority, it’s time for some planning. You may be thinking: “Sex should be a spontaneous, natural experience. Planning for it will ruin the magic.” Not at all! Quite the contrary: many of the most enjoyable, rewarding things we experience in life are things we must plan for. And when couples put effort into creating the time and space they need for physical intimacy, they temporarily take themselves away from the stresses of their hectic lives. This planned-for time and space actually allows spontaneity to flourish.

3. Plan for romance.

A word for some of you men out there (you know who you are): Planning for sex doesn’t mean buying a new multivitamin and sprinting into the bedroom for a quickie. The type of sex that fosters a couple’s connection occurs within the context of a loving, intimate relationship. When you nurture romance and make your partner feel special, you set the stage for an evening of passion and great sex. Romance doesn’t have to be costly or time consuming (of course, it can if you want it to be). A sensual body massage with your partner’s favorite lotion can go a long way in setting just the right mood for passionate love making. Pay attention to romance first, and sex will follow.

4. Become playful and provocative.

Couples in long-term relationships need to revisit the art of flirtation. Flirting and teasing are great ways to fan the flames of desire. Have you ever noticed how people in a new relationship excel at teasing? Whether seducing each other at the supermarket or while sitting at a red light, new lovers discover ways to turn each other on in the most ordinary of circumstances. Unbeknownst to them, these couples are actively creating opportunities to flirt and entice each other. Are you ready to enter the game of flirting with your partner?

5. Nurture your sexual attitude.

The art and skill of flirting starts with a particular attitude. The most important part of this attitude involves giving yourself permission to be playful and provocative with your partner. Without permission, you will remain inhibited and lose the freedom necessary to have a fulfilling sex life. Learn to give yourself permission to have fun with your partner.

6. Talk about sex.

Your assumptions about what your partner enjoys sexually might be standing in the way of a great sex life. You’re both evolving–your partner’s tastes in music, food, and clothes have probably changed over the years, so why do you assume that his/her sexual desires are the same as when you first met? Ask your partner what turns him/her on today. Don’t assume you know (even if you believe you know your partner really well). Maybe there is something s/he would like you to try sexually that s/he would find exciting. Information about your partner’s sexual desires and fantasies can go a long way in creating an exciting sex life.

7. Become less predictable.

Some couples fall into a rut because their sexual routines have become too predictable. While familiarity is comforting and helps build trust, it can also become a little boring when it comes to sex. Uncertainty and novelty feed excitement and can give your sex life an electrical charge. Experiment together (there are many good books available to help couples work on improving their sex life) and create a shared sense of adventure in the bedroom (or the living room, or the study…)

Is your relationship worth protecting? Are you ready to make your marriage everything it can be?

To discover more relationship tips, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

Anyone in a marriage or a long-term relationship understands the challenges of keeping romance and passion alive. Candlelit dinners, gazing into each other’s eyes, and the priority of talking and making love begin to buckle under the pressure of busy schedules, the demands of maintaining a household, the stresses of work, and for all those parents out there, the constant attention and energy children require.

Familiarity is a double-edged sword for most couples. Familiarity and repetitive routines can make you and your partner feel safe and comfortable with one another, but these same relationship staples can slowly cool the embers of passion.

For many, passion and novelty go hand-in-hand–new love is inherently passionate and sexually exciting. Just remember the level of passion you and your partner experienced early on in your relationship and you’ll know what I’m talking about. But those spontaneous fireworks cannot last indefinitely—at some point deliberate attention and effort are needed to nurture this part of your relationship.

Are you contributing to a no-sex (or low-sex) marriage?

In addition to the natural erotic lulls that accompany long-term relationships, many couples are surprised to discover that they are doing things to contribute to a no-sex marriage. In particular, these couples espouse anti-erotic mindsets that make passion nearly impossible (and they might not even realize it!).

See if you or your partner hold any of the passion-annihilating mindsets listed below:

1. “Foreplay is a waste of time.”

Some people are anti-foreplay. They’d rather jump right into sex, even if their partner isn’t in the mood. Sure, some people like to start slow and their sexual arousal levels require a little attention and nurturance, but people who hold this particular mindset are probably convinced that they don’t have the time or patience for foreplay. As a husband once said to me, “Doc, I work sixty-five hours a week. Foreplay isn’t economical—it takes too much time and effort.” Since when does foreplay have to be so time consuming? Even a “quickie” can include a little foreplay.

If you want to chase all lasting remnants of passion out of your relationship, forget the warm-up and embrace an anti-foreplay attitude. But if it’s satisfying love-making that you’re after, learn to embrace a pro-foreplay attitude.

2. “Passion shouldn’t take planning”

You keep telling yourself that once the job stress vanishes or the kids grow up and leave for college, passion will magically find its way back into your relationship (so there’s no reason to bother making the effort now). Part of this mindset includes the erroneous belief that passion should remain natural and spontaneous.

Most couples in a long-term relationship discover that great sex often results from sex that’s planned (but they’re not the ones reading an article on surefire ways to destroy passion). So, if you want to be sure the bed is used just for sleeping, throw away your daily planners and keep your fingers crossed that passion will find its way into your relationship.

3. “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” (AKA: Don’t disturb a good rut.)

Here’s a really effective passion-drain: Resist any change or initiative that might add zest to your relationship; prepare the same meals, eat at the same restaurants, use the same exact script each time you make love, and for heaven’s sake, never ever carve out alone time for you and your spouse.

As an added bonus, here are two passion-destroying beliefs that many couples end up endorsing. If you’re stubbornly set on creating a relationship without any passion, you can repeat these statements each morning, but please only repeat them if you’re totally serious about obliterating all signs of sexual energy from your relationship:

“Nothing will ever change, so why bother trying.”

and

“We’ve been together for so many years, it’s useless trying something different.”

4. “Why bother touching each other if it isn’t going to lead to sex?”

Touch (both sexual and nonsexual) can add a layer of sensuality to your relationship while making you and your partner feel closer to each other. However, making a commitment to touch each other more frequently isn’t that straightforward. Here’s just one unforeseen complication you might face:

You’re watching television together while holding hands—sounds good, right? But what if you like to alternate channel-surfing hands? Within seconds things can get pretty convoluted and for some of you uncoordinated types, a little dangerous. Imagine your humiliation when you reach out to touch your partner but accidentally clip her in the side of the face with the remote. Or even worse, you put the remote down in order to hold hands and your spouse ends up gaining control of the remote! Keep your hands to yourself (for safety’s sake).

There are many paths to a passionless relationship—the above passion–destroying mindsets are just a small sampling of how couples inadvertently chase the sex out of their relationships. There are also steps you can take to build a lasting and meaningful relationship, but some effort is needed. Are you ready to take this next step and create a meaningful relationship?

Would you like to receive free monthly tips and learn what other couples are doing to help build successful marriages and relationships?

Visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

No matter how well your relationship is humming along right now, there’s room for the advice of relationship mentors. Couples who have been together for many years (and who have been relatively happy, despite the inevitable rough patches) have discovered what has benefited their relationship the most. And they can help you do the same.

I recently interviewed Pete and Angie, a couple celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They were eager to share what has worked in their marriage. Here are some of the highlights:

Words of Wisdom from Pete and Angie

1. Angie: “Sometimes you will want to strangle your soulmate.”

This statement speaks volumes and, of course, is not meant literally. It cuts through the overly romanticized and unrealistic notions that many couples hold about love and relationships. If your expectations about marriage or long-term relationships are unrealistic (based on a Hollywood depiction or the heady infatuation you felt early on), you will be let down and feel disillusioned about love. Love is often thrilling, but love also exists side by side with the more mundane realities of our existence.

Take-away: What allows you to hold onto the bigger picture, even when your soulmate drives you crazy?

2. Pete: “Respect each other, above all else.”

Pete and Angie talked about respect in different ways. Angie stressed the importance of respecting each others’ differences–whether these differences emerged as contrary opinions (e.g., your partner doesn’t share the same religious beliefs as you) or differences in your personalities (e.g., Angie’s talkative and social, Pete is subdued and a homebody).

Pete made the point of saying that it’s also important that you never belittle or demean each other. While most of us assume that this type of respect is a given, it wasn’t for Pete since he grew up in a family where verbal abuse was the norm (Pete and his mother were often victims of his father’s verbal abuse). It was his determination to behave differently from his father that allowed Pete to change the course of his marriage.

Take-away: In what ways do you show your partner respect? How can you become more accepting of the differences that exist between you and your partner?

3. Angie: “We’re in it for the long haul.”

This is a great definition of commitment. A relationship without commitment is like a sailboat without sails–your relationship will flounder and drift, pulled by the tides instead of in your control. Commitment is the glue that keeps the relationship together and moving forward. Pete and Angie knew they wanted to grow old together and created a shared relationship vision.

They stressed the importance of building an atmosphere of teamwork and collegiality. Their relationship unfolded like a series of book chapters, many planned, others written by forces beyond their control. At times it was sheer commitment that kept them together–and they’re glad it did.

Take-away: How do you show your commitment to your marriage or relationship? If your partner were interviewed, how would s/he describe your commitment?

4. Pete: “Speak your truth.”

There is a certain freedom that comes with being able to speak your mind. Buried feelings and hidden resentments are less likely to fester when you speak your truth. A level of decorum and diplomacy, of course, is essential while communicating–whether your truth involves feelings, opinions or feedback to your partner. The challenge for all of us is to speak our truths in such a way that doesn’t hurt the other and that allows intimacy to grow.

Take-away: Are you able to share your deepest truths with your partner? If not, what gets in the way? Does the energy you give off make your partner feel safe enough to speak her/his deepest truths?

5. Angie: “Find the middle ground.”

Compromise and acceptance are vital for the success of any relationship. Angie believes these are some of the most important parts of a fulfilling, meaningful relationship.

She explained, “If you’re unwilling to grow and change as a person, your marriage is going to fall flat on its face. In order to compromise, you have to give in and admit when you’re wrong, and believe me, that’s not easy. We all think we’re right and the other person’s wrong; I’ve learned to accept what I can’t change about Pete and our marriage. I ask for things in a way that makes Pete more willing to compromise…He had to do the same. He’s grown too.”

When you and your partner work as a team, when you realize that you’re both reaching for the same goals (albeit, in different ways at times), it will be easier to find the all-important middle ground.

Take-away: How good are you at compromising, at finding the middle ground? What steps do you need to take to become a more effective communicator? To become more effective at compromising?

I hope you’re able to bring something Angie and Pete shared with us to your own relationship.

To receive FREE monthly tips on how to build deeper intimacy, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

Why is it that we have no problem lounging around in our favorite sweatpants (with the hole in the knee) and our favorite threadbare T-shirt (with the rip in the sleeve) in front of our spouse/partner, but if our friends/co-workers were on the way over, we’d change into something “decent” in a quick hurry? Now I’m not suggesting we throw away our comfortable clothes (I love those sweatpants!), but I am suggesting we look at the curious differences between how hard we try to get most people to like us, and how many of us in long-term relationships have stopped trying that hard where our spouse/partner is concerned.

Part of the reason we might be comfortable “any old way” in front of our spouse/partner is due to that feeling of comfort we build after knowing that other person for a while, after feeling secure that they love us, “warts and all.” That’s a good thing, and should be celebrated. But let’s look at another reason we may not care so much about putting our best foot forward for our mate: we don’t feel we need to anymore.

Marriage help: Does your spouse/partner still like you?

When you were first dating, you weren’t only aware of desire for that special someone—you were aware of whether or not you liked him/her (and whether those feelings of like were returned). Like is a grossly overlooked aspect of long-term romantic relationships, and the missing ingredient for many couples who report they’ve “fallen out of love” with their partners or that they love their mate, but are no longer “in love” with them.

You have no trouble making sure your friends like you and want to hang out with you. Now how about maintaining that for your most important relationship, your intimate relationship?

When you stop liking your spouse/partner

When a marriage/relationship becomes distressed, it can feel as if you still love your spouse or partner but that you’re not “in love” with him/her any longer.  I’ve observed a pattern for some of these couples that might be summarized as:

“While I still may love you, I’m pretty sure I don’t like you anymore.”

Falling out of like with your spouse/partner can pose a significant challenge to your relationship. When you like someone, you want to be around that person and spend as much time as possible with him/her—and the opposite is true when you no longer like someone.

Couples who no longer like one another:

1.  Avoid each other whenever possible;

2.  Experience more negative emotions when together;

3. Become less tolerant of each other’s foibles;

4. Pull back emotionally and stop sharing the deepest parts of themselves with one another;

5. Can begin to feel trapped in the marriage or relationship.

Commit to increasing your likability quotient

For many couples, continuing to act in ways that will keep like alive doesn’t fall under the commitment umbrella. This should change: after all, don’t you want your partner to continue to like you?

For a moment, think back to when you first starting dating your spouse/partner. In this “wooing” stage, you probably acted in ways to make your new love-interest like you (with the goal of capturing her/his love).  You understood the importance and power of getting your partner to like you.

Now it’s time to set up a Maintenance Likeability Plan.

Your plan should be to keep the likeability factor alive and well. This doesn’t have to be a complicated, exhausting process. In fact, the simpler, the better. To create a personalized likeability plan for your marriage or relationship, ask yourself the following:

What did you do early on in the relationship that helped you woo your partner?

What is your partner drawn to about you and does s/he still find these traits appealing? (If you’re uncertain about this, ask him/her).

Reflect on these questions—your responses will give you important information that can guide you. For instance, if one of the things your partner was drawn to was your sense of humor (and over the years of domesticity, this has been lost), then you can take necessary steps to bring humor back into the relationship mix.

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Q: There have been times when I’m not absolutely sure that I’m still in love with my husband. I’m afraid this means we’re not right for each other, even though we’ve been married for several years. Can you shed any light on this?

A: There are many normal factors that can influence how you feel about your spouse. Today we’ll focus on something all couples experience (even though they may be unaware of it): the fact that love changes with the passage of time.

Your relationship will go through stages

It’s important to realize that long-term relationships go through a series of stages. It is perfectly natural for your feelings to fluctuate along with the tides of these stages.

The danger lies in misinterpreting these normal relationship changes as an indication that you no longer love your partner. One trouble spot is when your relationship transitions from the early blissful stage (a time when your feelings might be extremely intense and all-consuming) to what has been called the stage of disillusionment. Typically, this occurs two to three years into a relationship.

During disillusionment, the intensity of passion and infatuation wanes and you begin to notice the differences that exist between you and your partner–differences that require compromise, negotiation and patience. The calm sky that once steadied your relationship gives way to pockets of unsettling turbulence. Many couples are unprepared for these changes and wrongly assume that their relationship is inherently flawed or that they are no longer “in love” with each other.

Couples who make the hasty decision to end their relationship at this point are nearsighted; they fail to see beyond the immediacy of the changes all relationships face. When you understand that your relationship is evolving (and that there will be growing pains), you will be more likely to ride through the turbulence until the skies become calm again.

Let yourself fall in love with your partner more than once

Love is not a linear phenomenon–your feelings of love will ebb and flow. Couples who have been together for many years often describe falling in love with each other more than once (and in different ways) over the course of their relationship. There are naturally occurring relationship lulls intermixed with periods of greater connection and intensity.

Feelings change, love intensifies and wanes–over the lifetime of a marriage couples fall in and out of love with each other again and again.

Think of your relationship as a journey–a journey that will involve highs and lows, success and disappointment, discovery and rediscovery. Along this journey, successful couples hold onto the reasons they fell in love in the first place and they find new reasons to deepen their existing love.

It is the awareness of these normal stages of love and commitment to the long-term survival of the relationship that sustain couples during times of uncertainty and the stresses that all relationships face.

To discover more about love and tips on a wide range of relationship issues, sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter by visiting http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/.

As a bonus, you will receive Dr. Nicastro’s popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control your arguments before they control you”