Spousal abuse is an ever growing problem for women today all over the world. It is a continuous problem which sometimes ends in serious injury and even
death.

 There are many shelters for battered women across the nation, all of which are doing a great job and are being operated by people who really do care.

 My heart goes out to all those who have been through an abusive situation. And I am proud of the work that is being done in hopes of ending the problem.

 However, only half of the story is being told. As Paul Harvey would say, “and now, the rest of the story.

 The rest of the story I’m talking about is not the women, but the men. There are men who face the same problem as the women but their story is not heard.

 The story of a man being abused by a woman is not believable and not newsworthy. It is not believable because men are usually much bigger that women and also much stronger, but it does happen. Both physical and mental abuse.

 Who would believe a 6’6″ man weighing in at 250 lbs. who said my little 5’4″ wife of 110lbs blacked my eye? Right, no one would believe it. The men don’t report their abuse for a number of reasons.
 1. It is a very embarrassing situation.
 2. They really do love their spouse.
 3. The woman’s side of the story would be more believable.
 4. The woman could claim self defense.

 The list could go on and on but you get the point. Men are just not going to report abuse by their spouse for any reason.

 I know for a fact that male abuse happens. On several occasions I personally observed as my own brother who stood over 6’2″ was abused by his small wife. I saw her loose her temper over a trivial thing and actually hit him on the side of the head with a coffee cup as he was driving the car.

 Her actions could have easily ended in an accident taking the lives of everyone in the car. On another occasion she hit him with a beer bottle, again in the car. This time it did result in an accident.

 The accident was of course reported but the abuse was not. My brother claimed that he just lost control.

 The car went off the road and rolled over. The injured party was the wife, but it didn’t stop her. The abuse continued.

 There are a few cases of male abuse which get reported but do not make news. When people hear of this form of abuse they usually wonder why he didn’t hit her back. He loved her, that’s why.

 Why doesn’t he just leave, because he still loves her. Though there are many reasons for not reporting male abuse the most common reason is simply that he still loves his wife.

 There are shelters for battered women but have you ever heard of any form of aid for the abused man? I haven’t. To my knowledge there are none in existence.

 The actions, the results, the abuse. It is all the same for both sexes. If men were not too proud, to embarrassed, to stupid to report it you would probably see a very distinct difference in abuse statistics.

 If you have something to add feel free to send me a comment. I look forward to it.

Spousal abuse is very dehumanizing, sometimes you wake feeling like you have to “walk on eggshells” to keep your partner

from getting angry and are frightened by his temper. From my experience in this kind of problem it certainly can be very hard to

deal with them. Women especially live with a lot of denial and they do not understand that the more they hold spousal abuse prone husband, the more

the chances of more dangerous events happening in their lives becomes inevitable.

Here are some of the experience and complains that are very common in spousal abuse in relationship.

(1) He comes in the evening sometimes breathing fire for very small things that do not warrant that kind of a reaction.

You feel as if u can wake up pack and disappear and forget that he ever existed in your life it starts dawning on you that this is spousal abuse.

(2) spousal abuse is when He is always complaining and pushing me to stop meeting some of my friends or family members, or even give up hobbies or activities that i develop because he does not like them or my associates.

(3) I don’t have the courage and strength to tell him my feeling and worries about our relationship he may hurt me if i tell him.

(4) I don’t question his directive am always compliant. I would not want to hurt his feelings. I love him that much that am always ready to

rescue him when he is in trouble and i keep asking myself whether this spousal abuse will stop one day.

(5) I always feel as if he was made for me and the best way is to reform him. I find myself on the receiving end, always i have to apologize to him for things that am honestly not part of. In this cases i feel so much used but i love him, i avoid confrontations. In most cases i will go down into tears and cry to the almighty heavenly father to intervene and hope this spousal abuse will come to an end.

(6) I always stop expressing my opinions if he doesn’t seem to agree with them and that way am able to keep the home atmosphere conducive for both of us and keep hoping that one all this will come to rest.

(7) Its spousal abuse when he sometimes kicks, hits and throws some objects at me when he is angry or jealous over something. I have to cheat my personal physicians when i see him for treatment otherwise i will expose him to ridicule. I always keep playing that this spousal abuse will cease one day

(8) One thing i don’t like about him is that he is always critical of any step that i make. He never appreciates my efforts.

When it comes to spousal abuse and in this kind of a scenario i always advice women not to wait, your man will not change and if he does, it will not be through pestering, you are not to blame, many of you are experiencing the same problem.

If you have been a victim of spousal abuse and cannot control the violence call the police. if you have been assaulted at this time what matters is your life and safety. By charging an abusive male it no doubts reduces physical violence. Make sure that all the records of what has been happening are intact. From this time on develop a safety plan for yourself and the children if any exists. Remember no one has a right to enslave you. Like any other human being your human rights are paramount and spousal abuse has no place in the modern society.

When looking for a man avoid men who do not listen to women, those who always want to push to get what they want and them who are always seen to be jealous and possessive. These kind of men have a tendency to develop a spousal abuse characteristics.

Physical abuse in marriage is the act of inflicting pain on a partner in order to assert control over him/her. More cases of physical abuse in marriage involve the male partner as the aggressor than the female.

Every year in the US, 2 to 4 million women are assaulted by male partners as against 800,000 cases of domestic violence perpetrated by women against men while 2,000 women are murdered by their current or former male partners in the US. The following are some of the underlying causes:

Lack of Church attendance. Religion especially Judeo-Christian faith has a way of tempering man’s aggressive nature and making him see his wife as a God-given complement to his person. A husband who does not believe in the word of God will not subscribe to this biblical teaching. Such a man does not accept the Christian teaching in Ephesians 5:25 which says Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for it and Eph. 5: 33 Nevertheless, let each of you so love his own wife as himself. He acts with impunity without recourse to God because he believes might is right since he does not have the fear of God in him Poor Spousal Communication. Communication is the lubricant that oils the machinery of marriage; when it is poorly developed; partners get physical over minor issues. Victim of Child Abuse A husband who was a victim of child abuse has pent up anger and feelings of inferiority which he will release on his partner after marriage unless he has dealt with the issue before marriage. Witnessed Father Beat up Mother A husband who witnessed his dad beat up his mum would think it is normal to act that way when there is disagreement.

5. Husbands who abuse alcohol or drugs. Such men drink or use drugs and thereafter lose their self control and become violent.

6. Wrong Gender Role Beliefs. Husbands with distorted view of their role as heads in the home use their position to demand unquestioning obedience from their wives or else they use violence to beat them in to submission.

7. Failure or Unhappiness at place of work. A husband who is a failure or is miserable at the place of work comes home with pent up anger and takes it out on the wife and children.

Poor Social Skills. Husbands with low self esteem and inferiority complex who have exaggerated need to dominate their wives to show that they are in charge at home resort to spousal physical abuse during disagreements. Such men find it difficult to be intimate with their wife. Aggressive and Perfectionist Personality A husband with aggressive personality and poor anger management skills often gives in to violent outburst of anger which is out of proportion to any offense committed. Husbands with perfectionist and difficult-to-please nature often find reasons to fight with their wives.

10. When a partner is idle. An unemployed or underemployed husband reads meaning to every action of the wife, feels threatened and resorts to violence to control his wife.

11. Cultural Background A husband who comes from a culture where the wife is treated as a property and where wife abuse is an entrenched practice would have no inhibitions in being violent against his wife.

12. Faulty Religious Beliefs A wife who has a misunderstanding of what it is to submit to her husband, accepts physical abuse thereby reinforcing the husband’s antisocial and violent behavior.  A husband who goes to a church where the rights of women are ignored would not have any inhibitions about using fist cuffs to settle marital disputes.

13. Absence of Law against Battery Husbands living in a country where there are no laws against battery take liberty for license and behave violently toward their wives.

14. Low Socioeconomic Status of Woman A husband married to a woman of poor social standing feels he would not be called to question if he behaves violently towards his wife.

15. Urban Residence Studies have found the incidence of physical abuse is higher among couples living in urban settings. This might be related to the higher stress of living in such places with men developing volatile temper as a consequence.

16. Young age at time of Marriage Men who marry early in life especially if pregnancy out of wedlock compelled them to marry may be prone to wife abuse.

17. Great number of children The stress level in such families is high because of the demands of the children and this could lead to physical abuse during quarrels.

18. Unmet expectations When a man has a hidden reason for marrying a woman, for instance, if he is expecting some financial assistance from the in-laws and this is not forthcoming, he can resort to violence during minor misunderstandings.

19. Denial of conjugal rights When a woman deprives the husband of his conjugal rights because of his inability to fend for his family, he tries to use force to get his way.

20. Disrespect towards a husband A woman who taunts and disrespects the husband or compares him with more successful men could be at a risk of violence being used against her during arguments.

Violent and abusive relationships can happen in any age group; however, teens face a unique set of challenges. Young teens may not know who to turn to get help or may think their mate’s jealousy and possessiveness are just more signs of “true love.” Teenage dating is not always an innocent phase of life just before adulthood. It can even turn deadly. Many times violence is after a break up in a relationship that was not previously violent. It is estimated that more 10 percent of teens nationwide are in a dating violence situation.

What should a teen do if he or she feels they are in an abusive relationship or is thinking of leaving a violent mate? You should seek help from a trusted adult or a domestic-violence group.

Each case is different. In some cases you may need to get an order of protection. In other cases it may be enough to just break up the relationship. Because of a teen’s age and inexperience it may be harder than adults to recognize the warning signs of abuse. Teens often also misinterpret warning signs of dating violence which includes jealousy, possessiveness, and sexual pressure as signs of love rather than warnings signs of abuse. A little bit of jealousy especially in the beginning of relationships is usually normal. If that jealousy turns into attempts to control and manipulate person violence, it can get very dangerous.

Abusive jealousy may start with little things such as a mate forbidding you to see friends alone or becoming angry at certain kinds of clothing you wear, hiding car keys so you cannot leave. All these things are warning signs that does not mean the other person loves you, but the other person is not reacting normally toward you in the relationship and you probably should just move onto someone else or just out of that particular relationship.

Messages can be confusing for teens especially. A mate may surprise you with flowers and beautifully written love notes, while at the same time, if he or she is upset at you for visiting friends alone or is hiding your car keys so you cannot leave, stop accepting the flowers and the notes, the relationship is not worth continuing on with.

It is common for teenage victims of dating violence and abuse to keep the problem from their parents. They fear if they tell the parents, the parents will demand a separation. Most teenage victims of dating abuse do not want this to happen. They keep hoping for the magical “something” to get back to when the relationship was good and continue to endure the abuse, sometimes until it too late.

More and more high schools are giving frequent presentations to teens. This has helped teens to see the warning signs of dating violence and abuse. Many teens will then come forth with their own stories, which can result in referrals to school counselors for further advice and instructions about their situations.

It is not always the girls who are being abused in teen dating relationships. Females are more likely to be the victims of teen dating violence, but they also can be the perpetrators. Anyone can be controlling and manipulative to the point of violence.

If you are a victim of teen dating violence and abuse and cannot tell your parents or do not want to tell your parents, at least talk to another trusted adult or school counselors about your problem. There are also hotlines set up in every locality for domestic violence that anyone can call and get help. These lines are usually 24-hour hotlines, which mean if you find yourself in a violent situation in the middle of the night, you can find help through these lines. If you find yourself in an emergency, do not hesitate to call local 911 emergency services. It could save your life. Once you are clear of the situation, you can look back and see how unproductive the relationship really was and keep moving until you find a mate who does not live his or her life just to control and manipulate your life.

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It’s not new. Generations before have faced the same issue. As a matter of fact, countless couples go though the same thing on a daily basis. But in February of this year, domestic violence once again went public, when singer Chris Brown physically assaulted his musical partner and girlfriend Rihanna.

There has been much talk since then about what the couple should and should not do.  Not surprising since just about everyone has an opinion on high profile couples; whether it’s about divorce, infidelity or abuse. For that matter they do not even have to be celebrities. People have opinions and usually have no problems sharing them.   

Which makes the opinions of many teenagers on the whole public spectacle that much more disturbing. According to a survey done by the Boston Health Commission 46% of teenagers blamed Rihanna for the incident. 44% say fighting is a normal part of relationships. It is unclear whether they meant plain old fashion arguing or genuine physical confrontation.

While the majority of teens surveyed did blame Chris Brown, the fact that the polling was even that close says a lot. Keep in mind many teens surveyed had no ideal as to the actual circumstances of what happened which the makes the numbers more troubling.

Unfortunately it is not confined to Boston. One student told the Chicago Tribune that “a common reaction among students to Chris Brown’s alleged attack on Rihanna goes something like this: “Ha! She probably did something to provoke it.”

That kind of thinking is spread out over many areas when it comes to teen culture. In a study done by the Liz Claiborne Foundation some young people report that on average they receive over two hundred text messages daily from their dating partner.  For many teenagers that is nothing out of the ordinary; in fact to them it is a sign that the other person really is serious about the relationship.

It may seem normal because the information age has made communication instantaneous and readily available but in reality it is not. Elizabeth Miller is an associate professor of pediatrics at the UC Davis Medical Center. She tells Jackie Burrell of Contra Costa News “There are many types of controlling behaviors. Inordinate amounts of texting — who are you talking to, why are you talking to them, you can’t talk to them — are at the core of abusive behavior.”

This of course does not apply to most young people but the fact that dating violence among teens is on the rise means there is a crisis that must be dealt with. If left unchecked more and more teenagers will start believing that not only did Rihanna get what she deserved but they are well within their rights to do the same thing to their dating partner.

The following factors increase the likelihood of a partner being abused in a relationship:

A woman who was abused as child can feel it is normal to get abused in life and so would not negotiate to be treated with respect by the husband. A husband with violent temper and who is very possessive in nature might succumb to fits of jealousy whenever the partner associates with other males. A woman that did not get love growing up from her father seeks love from any man that pretends to love her. Her judgment is impaired because she cannot distinguish true love from lust and so rushes in to marriage with a violent man. A woman who married a man against her parents’ wish becomes socially isolated from her family leaving her at the mercy of a husband who does not feel accountable to her family and can afford to treat her anyhow. A woman married to a substance abuser or alcoholic would be at risk for physical abuse because the husband may not always be in control of himself. A husband who neither goes to church nor believes in God may not have any qualms behaving violently towards his wife. He is not accountable to any pastor or religious leader. A woman who got pregnant out of wedlock and had to marry the man to mitigate the shame may be subject to violent outburst from the husband because he probably never planned to marry her in the first place. A woman planning to leave a marriage where she has been emotionally abused may be attacked by the husband. A woman with physical or mental instability who cannot stand up to the husband can be abused.

10. A poor unemployed woman might be of less economic value to a husband who is chronically strapped for money.

11. A recently separated or divorced woman who is stalked by her former partner may be at risk for an attack.

12. A woman married to an unemployed or underemployed man could be at the receiving end of such a man’s frustrations. A man in such a state is very sensitive to any action that suggest his waning influence in the home.

13. A woman married to a man that was emotionally and verbally abusive during courtship may become a victim of domestic violence later on.

14. A woman that has little regard for her husband and shows it in her dealings with him may be at risk for physical abuse.

15. A woman married to a man with a history of physical abuse in previous relationships may be at risk for physical abuse in marriage unless the man had gone for professional therapy.

Emotional psychological abuse from your intimate partner is as clear as the day is long when on the receiving end. But for the bystanders, it’s ambiguous.

Some people will even tell you that when you are the abused, on some level, you become a bystander. It is as though you take yourself out of the line of fire simply to survive the blows of spousal emotional abuse, and ultimately exist.

You hate being hated. Your tire of being told how inadequate you are, how you are lacking…deficient…defective. You grow to expect darts in your own home and recoil in anticipation.

Your body is numb with the overwhelming disregard that colors your day. But none of this is distinct enough for you to put your finger on, much less identify definitively. All you know is that you feel “put down” and unsafe in your own home.

Shining the Light on Emotional Psychological Abuse

Most likely your partner doesn’t even know when he/she is abusing you emotionally and psychologically. It is so automatic that he/she is unaware of this reflexive disregard so freely expressed.

Imagine for a moment being blasted abusively and a whistle being blown from the sidelines. With the whistle sounded comes a directive for both you and your partner to check in with yourselves. What do you imagine you feel? What do you expect your partner feels?

Chances are you experience your wounded vulnerability. Correct? And it hurts. You feel small and stuck under the outpouring of innuendo, gestures and commentary crafted to make you less…to make you wrong…to disempower you relative to your partner.

Your partner, on the other hand, is consciously aware of the impact of his/her emotional psychological abuse on you. And, unfortunately, this is satisfying to him/her. What your partner may be unaware of is his/her own vulnerability in the moment that he/she is being emotionally abusive toward you.

With closer reflection, it maybe clear that the emotional verbal attacks keep the abuser’s vulnerability at bay. The abusive gestures keep him/her from addressing his/her own inadequacy. The emotional psychological abuse quickly shifts the scales to empower oneself by diminishing the other.

Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Psychological Abuse

By looking openly in the moment of the interaction with the commitment for understanding and insight, couples can break the cycle of emotional psychological abuse. The abuser can grow to recognize his/her own personal vulnerabilities. And most importantly, he/she can learn to choose from other options to self-comfort without violating his/her partner.