* physical assaults
* verbal abuse
* emotional abuse
* sexual abuse
* harassment
* threat or harm

These behaviors are used by one individual to exert power or control over another individual in the context of a family or intimate relationship. This includes relationships such as boyfriend/girlfriend who do not live together, parent/child (child or elder abuse/neglect) and persons in same-sex relationships. Overwhelmingly, domestic violence is perpetrated by men against women. Nationally, statistics indicate 95% of the victims are women.

Thousands of women and their children live in constant terror and pain as a result of family violence. The abuse can be physical, ranging from slaps and kicks to punching and stabbing; or psychological, including threats or verbal abuse that make a person fear for her or his safety.

Legal Definition of Stalking

1. Any person who on more than one occasion engages in conduct directed at another person with the intent to place, or when he knows or reasonably should know that the conduct places that other person in reasonable fear of death, criminal sexual assault, or bodily injury to that other person or to that other person’s family or household member is guilty of a Class 1 misdemeanor.
2. A third or subsequent conviction occurring within 5 years of a conviction for an offense under this section or for a similar offense under the law of any other jurisdiction shall be a Class 6 felony.

Class 1 misdemeanor: Not more than 12 months in jail and/or not more than $2,500 fine.

Class 6 felony: Not more than 5 years in the State penitentiary or up to 12 months in jail and not more than $2,500 fine.

Categories of Stalkers (taken from J. Reid Meloy)

* Simple-Obsessional – The most common category of stalking cases and also the most lethal type of stalker. These stalkers have a relationship with their victim, and intended victim(s) may include a spouse, child, or other family members, a co-worker, physician, or their boss, etc. Domestic violence-related stalking falls under this category.
* Love-Obsessional – This type of stalker is less common and usually involves stranger and celebrity stalkings (e.g. Rebecca Schaefer, Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow) This type of stalker is often diagnosed with a mental disorder.
* Erotomanic – This is when the stalker truly believes the victim loves him/her, even though no actual relationship exists between stalker and victim. These stalkers are often diagnosed with delusional disorder. David Letterman’s stalker fit this profile, because she believed they were married and tried to move into his house.

Common Stalker Characteristics (taken from Spence-Diehl (1999))

* Jealous
* Narcissistic
* Obsessive and compulsive
* Falls “instantly” in love
* Manipulative
* Needs to have control over others
* Deceptive
* Views problems as someone else’s fault
* Difficulty distinguishing between fantasy and reality
* May be of above average intelligence
* Does no take responsibility for own actions or feelings
* Socially awkward or uncomfortable
* Unable to take “no” for an answer
* Sense of entitlement
* Cannot cope with rejection
* Views self as a victim of society, family, and others
* Dependent on others for sense of “self”
* Often switches between rage and “love”

MYTH: People are sexually assaulted because they “ask for it” in some way.
FACT: Attempts to shift the burden of blame from the offender to the victim/survivor by implying that “he/she asked for it” are common. There is nothing a person does or does not do to “deserve” a sexual assault – the way a person dresses, the amount of alcohol consumption, or sexual history of a person are often used as excuses to justify the rapist’s behavior. By blaming the victim/survivor, the attention is directed away from the offender, diminishing the offender’s responsibility for the attack. Blaming a person for the rape because of how the person acts or what the person wears is like blaming a bank for being robbed because it “tempted” the thief with all that money.

MYTH: A person can nearly always prevent an assault by resisting the attacker.
FACT: Every sexual assault is unique and the issue of resistance and submission should be evaluated individually. Resistance could deter an attack or it could conceivably increase one’s chances of injury and perhaps result in death. The victim/survivor needs to do whatever they feel comfortable doing to extricate themself from the situation. The person should rely on their instincts and whatever the person does is correct for them. Even if the person must submit, this does not imply consent, and in fact, may keep them alive.

MYTH: Many people falsely report rape as a means of revenge or to get attention.
FACT: Reported sexual assaults are true, with very few exceptions. The rate of “false reports” of rape (fabricated stories) is 2% to 3%, no different than that for other crimes. (Schafran, L.H. (1993). “Writing and reading about rape: A primer.” St. John’s Law Review, 66, 979-1045.) The general misconception of a high rate of false reports of sexual assaults may be confused with observations of low conviction rates of offenders.

MYTH: Rapists are easily identifiable by their physical appearance, actions or words.
FACT: There is no standard mental or physical profile that defines a rapist. A rapist can be someone of any age, race, economic background, belief system or culture. Although the stereotype of the deranged stranger rapist abounds in our society, stranger rapes only make up around 20% of all sexual assaults and even then the stranger may not be a mentally disturbed person. The vast majority of rapists are people the victim/survivor knows, people she/he sees in day-to-day life.

MYTH: Women owe men sex under some circumstances.
FACT: Sex is not a commodity to be bought and sold, nor is there any ownership of another’s sexuality. Instead, we should have the freedom to make sexual choices regardless of the circumstances. Paying for dinner and a movie does not give someone the right to demand sex for repayment, nor should someone feel obligated to have sex because of these circumstances.

MYTH: Only the young or beautiful may be sexually assaulted.
FACT: Victim/survivors range in age from a few months to 90 years old and come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Rapists tend to choose victims for their perceived vulnerability and availability, without regard to their physical appearance. Attributing a sexual assault to a victim/survivor’s attractiveness perpetuates the myth that rape is primarily motivated by sexual desire. This myth inappropriately places blame and responsibility onto the victim/survivor because of her/his physical attributes.

MYTH: When a woman says “no,” she might really mean, “yes.”
FACT: This myth is common in dating situations. When a person says “no,” that person’s partner must assume she means nothing other than “no.” It is also vital to point out that if a person does not explicitly consent to an act of sex, in the form of a “yes” or similar phrasing, that person has not consented. Silence on a person’s behalf must be taken as a “no” rather than consent. Rape is not just a matter of miscommunication, but communication is vital in sexual situations.

There is an important difference between preventing sexual assault and reducing the risk of being sexually assaulted. Preventing sexual assault focuses on those committing the act, while risk reduction focuses on the potential victims by offering a variety of strategies that may reduce the possibility of being sexually assaulted. However, the responsibility for preventing a rape does not lie with the victim, but rather with the perpetrator. Ultimately, the best way to prevent rape from happening is to stop people from raping. Though this may sound like an overwhelming task, each of us can take a first step by challenging the myths that blame the victim and protect the rapist.

Taking a stand against violent and oppressive behaviors is the first step towards preventing sexual assault. Respecting individuals, encouraging independent thought, and demanding justice are key to building a violence-free society.

Risk-Reduction

People often ask what they can do to keep themselves safe. Risk-reduction strategies such as self-defense or general safety tips can be helpful. Yet, it is important to remember that whether or not risk reduction measures are taken, a victim is NEVER responsible for preventing her or his assault.

Below is a list of suggested methods that may reduce your risk of being sexually assaulted. However, this is not meant to be an exhaustive list, but rather a resource to increase your knowledge and available options. If you should find yourself in a dangerous situation, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Some people feel comfortable and are able to defend themselves physically others do not or cannot. Submitting to the demands and threats of an attacker IS a viable and reasonable option. The goal is to survive. Submission to an attacker as a result of force, threat and/or intimidation is rape.

Be Safe…

In Your Home

*Make sure you have strong locks on all doors and windows. Door chains do not provide adequate protection from anyone seeking entry.
*Use extra locks for windows near fire escapes. If you live in a basement or first floor apartment, place releasable bars on the windows. Place curtains and/or blinds on all windows.
*Report any suspicious activities that occur in your neighborhood to the police and to your landlord.
*Be sure lights are installed and working in dark walkways, driveways, and yards.
*Be aware of places where assailants might hide; under stairs, between buildings, in bushes.
*If possible, do not let strangers into your home.
*Request identification from service personnel, or call their company to verify their employment before you open the door, particularly when the visit is unannounced. Even if the service is scheduled, consider having a friend, family member, or neighbor with you.
*Report unusual phone calls to the police.
*Never give information, not even your name, to an unknown telephone caller. If you receive an obscene phone call, hang up. If calls persist, blow a whistle or click the receiver and say, “Operator, this is the call I want you to trace.”
*Meet your neighbors and know which ones you could trust in an emergency.
*When returning home at night, have your keys ready before you get to the door.
*If someone is watching or following you, go to a neighbor’s house or a public place to call the police.
*Never hide a key outside of your home.
*Hang bells or wind chimes on entryways and place cans or houseplants on the top of in the tracks of windows so that they will be disturbed by anyone who tries to break in.
*When you leave your home, use light timers. Consider having one light inside and one outside and rotate the light you leave on at night.
*Have a lock on your bedroom door and a phone by your bed with emergency numbers written so you can read them without glasses.
*Have a free home security inspection through your local police department. If you live in Alexandria, call the Police Department’s Community Relations/Crime Prevention Section at 703-838-4520 for more information.

On Public Transportation

*When you use mass transit, try to travel with one or more companions.
*Try to sit near the driver.
*Do not fall asleep.
*If you believe that someone is following you, stay on the bus or train until after the suspect gets off. On a bus, ask the driver to let you off at a safe place.
*If your destination is in a questionable neighborhood, take a cab instead of mass transit.

Out and About

*Use a steady, confident pace.
*Vary your travel routes from time to time.
*Carry a whistle or keys in your hands.
*Avoid walking through dark or deserted areas.
*Be wary of giving your name, address or place of business in restaurants and other public places.
*Do not overload yourself with packages.

In Your Car

*Have your car serviced regularly.
*Have a good battery, tires with good tread, and ample gasoline. Refill your gas tank when it is half to a quarter full.
*Lock car doors and keep windows rolled up even during daytime driving.
*Never pick up hitchhikers.
*If anyone tries to enter the car, sound your horn in short blasts until the police or others come to your assistance. Observe the assailant’s appearance so you can give the police a description.
*Plan your route in advance, carry plenty of maps and ask directions only from gas station attendants or police officers.
*Never pull off to the side of the road to ask a stranger for directions.
*If your car breaks down, put your hood up. If you have a “please call the police” sign, place it in your back window and wait for help. Do not accept a ride from a stranger, but request that he/she call for help.

Before an Extended Trip

*Ask a neighbor to collect your mail and newspapers for you.
*Leave a key with a trusted neighbor so emergencies can be handled and unusual activity in your house or apartment can be investigated.
*Leave shades, blinds, and draperies in their usual positions. Use automatic timers in several rooms so lights will appear alternately.
*Arrange to have your lawn mowed during your absence.
*Tell a relative or friend when you plan to arrive at your destination and when you expect to return home.
*If you live in an apartment, tell both a trusted neighbor and your building superintendent that you will be away.

In a Hotel

*When making your reservation, ask that you be placed in a room near the elevator, not at the end of a hallway or on the ground floor.
*Women should consider making their reservations under a man’s name to protect themselves from hotel personnel.
*Upon entering your hotel room, check its safety (strong locks on doors and windows, hallways adequately lighted).
*If possible, carry a cell phone with you, particularly when traveling. All cell phones, if charged, will call 911, even if there is no service. Be sure to tell the dispatcher your location, as cell phones do not give precise locations.

Examples of sexual assault include: rape, sodomy, fondling, indecent exposure, peeping Toms, obscene phone calls, childhood sexual abuse, and sexual harassment.

Some facts about sexual assault:
*People of any age can be victims of a sexual assault.
*Sexual assault happens to women, men, and children.
*Approximately 80% of all sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows, such as a friend, spouse, family member, date, coworker, or neighbor.
*One in four females, and one in six males, will be sexually assaulted before age 18.

Survivors of sexual assault may experience a variety of after-effects in unique and individual ways.

A survivor may feel:
*Loss of control of her/his life.
*Anger
*Fear
*Distrust
*Anxiety
*Depression
*Guilt and self-blame – feeling responsible for the assault
*Some survivors find it hard to concentrate, have difficulty sleeping, and may experience mood swings and changed eating patterns.

If you have just been sexually assaulted

* Get to a safe place. If you are in danger, or want to report the incident, call for immediate police assistance at 911.
* Contact someone to help you – a friend, the police, a parent, etc.
* Get medical attention right away. Even if you don’t want to report this to the police, you may have injuries of which you are unaware. Medical personnel can talk with you about your options for the prevention of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. If you are reporting the assault to the Police you will be taken to the hospital where a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE nurse) will collect evidence through the use of a Physical Evidence Recovery Kit (PERK). The evidence collection will be done along with a medical exam that will address your medical needs.
* Do not shower, drink or eat, douche, or change your clothes. These activities destroy physical evidence that can be used if you choose to report the assault to the police.
* Do not move anything at the scene, if appropriate. If you choose to press charges, the police will need to examine the scene for evidence.

Following a Sexual Assault

Emotional reactions:

* Long after the assailant leaves, the effects of the assault may still be with you. The crime has medical, legal and emotional aftereffects which may take weeks, months or years to resolve. During the months following an assault, survivors may continue to experience a wide range of emotions such as fear, distrust, anger, shame, humiliation, and guilt. Some may also believe that there is something wrong with them because they are continuing to have difficulties months after the assault.
* The reality is that everyone recovers at a pace and in a manner that is unique and appropriate to them. Recovery from sexual assault occurs in stages and is very subjective; what one person considers recovered another might not. After several months you may find that acute symptoms, such as nightmares or flashbacks, have dissapeared, while other symptoms, such as higher levels of anxiety and fear, may persist for some time. Survivors may find that certain times and/or events – particularly the anniversary day of the assault – trigger some of these feelings. While it may be frustrating to be experiencing these symptoms of trauma long after the assault, gradually they will decrease in frequency and change in character.
* The ways that survivors handle feelings and reactions will vary. Some try to block intense emotions by becoming very busy while others deal with these feelings by talking about the assault frequently. Some are afraid of crowded situations and prefer to keep to themselves, while others are afraid to be alone. It is important to not become isolated, but the manner and pace in which you deal with these feelings and reactions should be one that is comfortable for you.

Getting Support

* Talking about the assault and developing a network of support can be a very important part of the healing process. Sometimes, or for some people, talking with friends and family is most helpful. Or, you may prefer speaking with a trained counselor. A counselor can also help you to build a support network and consider the ways in which the people in your life can be helpful. Some people think that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Others see it as making use of available resources and expertise, recognizing that most people are not naturally prepared to handle a sexual assault.
* Many have found support and understanding in talking with other survivors through a support group. Group members discover that they are not alone – that others have felt the same way they do. It is also a chance to share ideas of what has been helpful for recovery. In addition, some have found it helpful to take a self-defense class and/or learn about risk reduction and ways to increase their sense of safety.

Remember…

* Recovery takes time;
* It was not your fault;
* Being vulnerable or intoxicated is not an excuse for someone to assault you;
* Rape or sexual assault is not an act of sex or lust – it is about aggression, power, humiliation;
* Complying and cooperation is not the same as consent.
* Sometimes cooperating or complying is the best thing to do;
* Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. This includes proper eating, rest and relaxation, doing nice things for yourself, and asking for help.

GROWING numbers of women around the country are learning how to kick and punch their way out of the grip of violent crime, enrolling in self-defense classes in record numbers.

But finding the right class can be baffling. Gyms, women’s centers, martial-arts organizations, Y’s and some corporations offer classes in self-defense, but are they all equally effective? Experts say no.

Most martial arts courses do not really prepare women to protect themselves on the streets, some people who teach these courses admit. The techniques of tae kwon do and karate, for example, take years to learn and are too “choreographed,” some experts say. As such, they are not effective ways for the average person to quickly master techniques for self-protection.

Self-defense classes, on the other hand, teach women to free themselves from the grip of an attacker by using their teeth, palms, elbows and legs to bite, strike, punch and kick themselves free.

The Center for Anti-Violence Education, a self-defense school for women and children in Park Slope, Brooklyn, teaches not only the physical means of warding off an attack, but also what it calls empowerment — how to be alert to danger, how to carry oneself on the street and how to scream effectively.

Learning to fight off an attacker by practicing against well-padded male “assailants” in simulated muggings is the approach taken by the Model Mugging classes, now taught in 24 locations nationwide, including Manhattan and Westchester County. These classes were developed 20 years ago in California by Matt Thomas, a martial arts expert who was upset when a friend who had achieved black belt status was unable to protect herself from a brutal attack.

Here are some tips offered by experts for choosing a self-defense class:

* Ask to participate in or, at least, watch a class, before you sign up for a course. “If you think it’s too complicated, it is,” said Lisa Sliwa, international coordinator of the Guardian Angels, a street patrol group in New York.

* Choose a class that teaches the basics in just a few weeks.

* Talk to people who have taken the class and ask their opinions.

* Make sure the class environment is warm and supportive. Taking a self-defense class, which can include a lot of kicking and screaming, can be disturbing, especially for people who have been victims of violent crimes.

* Ask about prices, which vary considerably and can go up to several hundred dollars. Some schools have a sliding scale, according to the student’s ability to pay.

Sexual harassment is defined by the person being targeted. The target of sexual harassment and the perpetrator (the one doing the harassing) do not have to agree about what is happening.

Sexual harassment can happen once or many times. Being the target of sexual harassment may make it scary to go to work/school or hard to concentrate. Incidents of sexual harassment may cause the target to feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or threatened.

Employers and school district officials are legally responsible to guarantee a safe environment which is free from sexual harassment and sex discrimination.

Some forms of sexual harassment are also crimes and should be reported to the police or district attorney so that the perpetrator(s) can be prosecuted.

What can I do?

Tips If You Feel You Are the Target of Sexual Harassment

*Let the harasser know you don’t like the behavior or comments. If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, tell the harasser that his or her behavior bothers you and that you want it to stop.

*Tell someone and keep telling until you find someone who believes you. Find supporters and talk with them about what’s happening. The point is to find someone you can trust, and someone who will take the kinds of actions you want.

*Do not blame yourself for sexual harassment. Harassment is unwanted and can make you feel trapped, confused, helpless, frustrated, embarrassed, and scared. You certainly did not ask for any of those feelings.

*Keep a written record of the incidents: what happened, when, where, who else was present, and how you reacted. Save any notes or pictures you receive from the harasser.

*Go to a supervisor or school staff member. If you feel uncomfortable, it is okay to bring a coworker, friend or parent with you to that meeting.